Laptop Makeouts

I made out with my laptop today. Only a little bit, and kinda on accident.

For the past few days, I've been feeling down. I haven't quiet left my girlfriend yet, but she seems to know that we can't last either. Mostly because she wants more dominate sex than I would let her have. But we are going to go on a trip soon enough, and since there is already about 250 dollars going into it, it is beyond the "Cancel for any reason" stage.

Emotions are like trains, they never stop, or at least they don't stop to easy. I have been feeling all this extra love that is in my system, but I don't have anywhere to let it go. No one to snuggle, no one to kiss softly, no one to climb on top of and make scream like I am so use to doing. When this love doesn't get let out properly, it keeps inside and rots. It rots into hate for the world, it rots into self-loathing. Until you finally get tired of it and start to give yourself flesh wounds. I think I just need to lose some bodily fluid to keep sane. Weather it be cum, sweat, tears or blood.

Anyways, I was playing The Legend of Zelda, Majora's Mask, on an emulator I have for my computer. I was about halfway through a day when it popped up with an error and shut down on me. It has done this several times when I was playing Orcrania of Time, but this was the first time with Majora's Mask. Looking at the clock and seeing that it was about 2:49 am, I decided to call it a day. I shut down my computer and fold it shut. I lean my tired head against it for a while and start to speak to it softly. "I know that you're getting old, I know that you're not doing to well so much. I admit, I have been looking at other laptops and others things to replace you, but you'll always be my first, and I will always love you for that." I kiss it softly on its cover, it has such a soft cover, I kiss it again, I open my lips and kiss it a bit harder...

Then I slap myself awake a little bit. I mean I love my laptop yea, but not like that. That is almost exactly what I would say to my girlfriend if I wanted to break up with her. One part of my mind is going, "dude, break it off now, you'll be better off, you don't need her, you don't need this shit." and the other part is going "I WANT SNUGGLES!!!!". Silly as it is, that part generally makes more sence.

Guy crush

I have to wonder what the line is. Who you can date, who you can love. Heck, I'm not even to sure if guys are on my "O.K. to date" list.

I had a family get together this weekend. Everyone went up to a cabin my aunt rented and we had pizza, salad, and some huge muffins. Also this is the first time that Jason, my cousin, has been up in a while. I don't know why, but I almost fell in love. He tall and slighly works out and has long hair that he tied behind his back and he has this little gottee and mustach combo and he talks about all these awesome things and I think he said he was an aquatic body massauger and I have no idea what that is but its awesome and he had this jacket that had bellbottom arms that looked awesome and he had this fly pair of pants and I looked them up online and they were two hundred and twenty dollers so I don't think I'm going to get them anytime soon but they looked really awesome and I want his children, I just looked up what aquatic body massuage is and it is freaking awesome, Jason works in a pool half naked all day long making people feel good, oh god I want him to touch meeeeeee!!!

But he is my cousin, so that's kinda weird. I don't know actually. I've never really been attracted to a family member before. Save for thoes weird dreams about my mother having a horse cock and forcing me to dress up in french maid clothes and clean a redicuacly huge house that I've never seen before. Lets not talk about that. I have had a dream where I made out with a sister that I don't have, but I think that is a little diffrent. As long as their they same age, I think incest could be ok, like brother sister stuff. Or kissing cousins, which I kinda want to be right now. I think if I had a sister, and she was rather hot and my age, that I would make a pass at her. But I don't have a sister, so I don't really know.

Family is weird, I don't need to be adding weird relationships to the center of it. It be a bit like having two close friends of yours start to go out, it would be a little weird to see them make out on the couch. And if they ever broke up, you would have to choose a side. In family its worse, because if you did break up, they're blood, so you can't choose a side. And if you don't break up, you mother would want grandchildren, even if they come out with horrible diseases. She would still think they're cute.

Transhuman Necrophille

I feel like an immortal, I feel like nothing can dent me forever. Why? I got a new shirt, kinda looks like the shirt Brad Pitt wore in "Interview with a Vampire". And I look damn sexy in it. But it made me realize that I am an immortal. Think of it like furries knowing that they are really a wolf. I don't think I have to drink blood, and I don't think that I have to ever die.

I think it is more of a realization. I've always been interested in living longer than your average human, always been a transhumanist. And I never really thought I was an average human. I think now I really will change my life for the better. Live healthier and exercise and stop eating crap and just be good to myself. How else am I going to live forever?

In other news I finally figured out my feelings about my girlfriend. I figured out that I can still love her, but only when I think of her as a girl. If she ever found my blog and saw that I'm using the wrong pronoun, she would be pissed. After she came out, I denied that to myself. It took me three months to realize that she will eventually become completely male, or die trying. I'm am not sure if I can ever have a serious relationship with a guy. The only reason that I'm with her now is that I consider Tommy a girl in my head. I've been loving a dead girl, I think it is time to move on.

Fin

I just finished nanowrimo. And when I say finish, I mean all 50,000 words finished.

But I don't know if it was really worth it. In my mind, I had this awesome story, quick fight scenes, and sexy girls. But on paper, it is nothing near what I had in my mind. The very act of trying to transfer it from my brain to a word document made it watered down to a point that I don't know weather or not that it is the same thing. I know that at this point that I am not a very good writer, and that I need to practice just like my guitar and my drawings and my not having my knees give out when I try to pick up a girl. All things that could be worked on and improved rather than play Zelda on a computer emulation of a Nintendo 64.

There is a lot better things I could be doing with my life and I want to change that.


On another note. I recently came out to my girl/boyfriend that I am not really digging the transition as much as she thought. Even now I want to call "Tommy" a girl. She is turning into a guy and some of the stuff that she talks about with such great love, like growing a mustache or chopping off her hair, just frighten me. I know that she is changing from once she once was and that it scares me that she might turn into something that I have trouble loving. I want her to stay the way they are because I like i that way.

As much as the though of her transition scares me, I realized that the thought of me being without her is much more scary.

Clean Streak

Ding dong.

"Oh hello, you must be the cleaner." The little old lady opened the door slowly, looking at the strange man in his dark jumpsuit.

"Hello mam, you called about the mess?" says the cleaner, he tips his cap to the old broad.

"Why yes, its just down the stairs." She motions he to come in and starts to go towards the basement. "Normally I keep this place so clean, but lately I just don't know what happened."

"Don't worry mam, we get a lot of cases like this." The cleaner starts off, "Can you tell me what happened when it started?"

"Why yes, one day I came home with this little electronic device that my grandson bought for me. It does all these neat little beeps and whistles, and it even tells you the time! But oh lordy me, I just didn't know what to do with it. So I just set it on the counter there. I guess I put something else on the counter right next to it and it just started to pile up and up." The old lady tries to sound as innocent as she can.

"That's perfectly normal, we can take all this stuff and put it right back where it belongs, ok?" The man takes the little old lady down the stairs to clean that huge pile of crap.


This is kind of the scene that was playing out through my head when I was cleaning my room. I had to clean my room because my parents were kicked out of their place. I had to go through all the old stuff I had and decide what of it was good. What of it was crap. And what of it I could donate to some needy charity. Lots of old memories flying by. Lots of old memories flying into the trash too. Life sucks.

A response to yesterdays post.

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!

K and T didn't do anything!!!!
I don't have to feel like a douch!!!!
Until next time they start hanging out again!!
fuck...

But nothing happened now!!!!

Woooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Nano and Moral

Fuckity fuck bitch cunt niggers.

I just found out why NaNoWriMo is an awesomely bad idea. Four days in and I can't get past 2,500 words. I just don't really know what to write. I tried to practice writing 1666 words a day and I did it quite well, I know the problem now, I just came up with one little senctence and ran with it till the end of the story. When I try to follow something, it feels to short, it feels to much like there should be more. Even if I can't figure out anything more to put in there.

Maybe I'm just not to good of a writer. I'll work on short stories first.

In other news, I'm having a major moral delimma. My girlfriend, I don't quite remember what I've called her here before but lets just say T. T has a friend named, for the purpose of I don't want anyone I know finding this shit, K. Now, K was the one I mentioned that was really annoying, and he's gay.

I kind of had a fling with him a few months back, one of thoes "Lets go camping, it will be away from anyone caring about us fucking." It was mostly for T and me. I did have a good time. And since there wasn't too much else to do, I hung out with K a lot. I eventually made a game called "Noes time, ass time." He's one of thoes people that are comfortable getting touched. So I touched his nose saying "Nose time!" then he would jump/fall back. We were on a inflatable mattress. Then since it was out there, I said "Ass time!" and grab his ass. Then he would jump up and sit up to protect his ass. "Nose time, ass time, nose time, ass time, lather, rinse, repeat." Eventually he got tired of jumping around and let me fondle his ass. It went from that to eventually me fucking him in the ass.

T got really pissed at this. She's been his friend for years and has always had a little bit of a crush on him. I come in and in a few hours I turn him into a fucking machine. I could almost instantly understand it as she not really being assertive enough. She thinks she's a nice guy. I'm the one that gets laid. I also had to explain this to her in such a way that didn't sound like "you suck".

Foward back to about three hours ago. I know they've been hanging out a lot together, I'm kinda cool with that. Mostly because I know he's gay and wouldn't really want to do something with a physical girl. Turns out I'm wrong. Today they are going to go out and shop for a strap on that K would be willing to take. He bottoms. I can't join because she wants to make head way with him before I get in the picture. Just like the tents, but backwards. And the problem is that I don't really want this to happen. We have an open relationship, I've been with several others. But this is the first time she has gone and found someone else and I don't like it. I should be going "Yea go ahead, you turn to go get some!" But I really don't want it to happen. Especially without me. I want to think I'm not selfish but just protective of my prize when I'm free to get more. But either way I'm either a selfish douch, or a sexist douch.

I hate when things bite you in the ass.

Daylight Savings Time

A time where the clocks get set back an hour for a couple months, why? Helps with electricity bills. Makes the day last later, nobody wants to wake up with the sun at 4:11 on July 22. 5:11, little more reasonable.

It just shows us how much we time take for granted that we would change twice a year for something as small as monetary reasons.

Angry not friend rant

Why am I the bad guy? Honestly, sorry about your precious gas. Sorry you had to come pick me up so I could leave you be. The truth is that I DO NOT hang out with people I do not like and your little friend there, the one with ADD and the superiority complex, I DO NOT like. I seriously do not understand why you hang out with him, he is annoying, loud, and never makes a lick of sence. More than that he promotes stupid internet videos that he thinks is cool. That's another one of my pet peeves. And you even agree with me that he is most of the time an annoying prick that is a total cocktease. And you still hang out with him.

That's one of the diffrences between us. You will put yourself in these situations that get you angry, get you pumped up with feelings that you got to bottle down. Then when we're alone, you let these feeling out in this stream of conciousness that I've heard a million times before. If you really like M and don't like her boyfriend that she hangs out with constantly, then don't hang out with M. It's as simple as that. If you do not like someone do not hang out with them. Sometimes the reward of their friendship and company is not worth the cost of dealing with that other person. If I were you, I would have dumped M a long time ago. You put up with people that you do need to for useless reasons and that's one of your weaker points.

You know B, that kid that I really hated and, thankfully, he moved away a year ago. He occationaly comes to some of the bigger parties and whenever I hear that he is coming to one, I seriously consider not going to that party. Whenever I do go to a party when he's there, I have to sourround myself with anyone else to protect myself from not punching him in the face.

So I'm sorry that I wasted your gas when you came and pick me up, only to go right back to my home, but I didn't think he would be with us. You are one of the most lovely and wonderful things in my life, but he's a douch. I am not the bad guy.

Now if you excuse me, I have to start my Nanowrimo and my first chaper is probably going to be pretty fucking angry.

Double your foreplay, call it eightplay!

God, I hate all these women saying that "Men don't do any foreplay!" or "It's all about sex for them". Well you know what sister, I do a lot of foreplay, I'm just betting your idea and my idea of foreplay is completely different.

You know what, I've heard it said a lot of different times that a woman's biggest sex organ is her brain, and I highly believe that's true, unless you have breasts that are bigger than three pounds, but that's another story. And I think the mental aspect of sex, the imagining, the fantasies, the real interesting stuff that only comes out of the gutters, I think all of that is highly important. That's why I practice it all the time.

I'll see a girl sitting in the next desk and start thinking about how I would love to take her breasts in my hands and squeeze them for hours. Or I'll take a girl with rather bright lipstick and imagine those lips sucking something that ain't exactly made out of sugar. And maybe that girl who's sitting with her legs just a bit apart, and how I'd love to stick my fingers down there and make her scream in pleasure. And that's not even the half of it.

So you know when I have a girl say "You don't do enough foreplay." I respond "You want me to do more than eight hours a day? Come on, I think I'm being excessive."

My Girl/Boyfriend

As I've said before, I have a girlfriend with multiple personality disorder. One of her favorite alters is one named Jack. Your normal big bad motorcycle madman. Right now she is integrating with him. For those a bit un-researched in the MPD or DID area, integration is when the two that have split off from each other come back together. Normally the original alter will pretty much stay the same. However, she has concluded that Jack was the original, the one who was born into that body. Now instead of the abuse causing the splits causing the gender dysphoria. Its the gender dysphoria causing the abuse causing the splits. K was there for Jack to protect him from the awful dreaded act of wearing skirts. Among other things. Doesn't make too much sence to me because Jack fits way too well into a stereotype and there have been stories told of him being born, more or less.

How does this fit into me you might ask? Well one of the first things my Girlfriend decided when she started integrating, is that she was a boy. And I'm really having trouble accepting that. When we got together, I was mostly in it for, well, sex at first. But I learned to love her. Important part there, "Her". Jack, who she considered downright necessary for him to get a release, was kinda a side bonus. He was this guy that would be way more intense and a real beast and all these other things I could list. They both brought these unique things to the relationship that together was fantastic. But things change. For the last month or two, Jack hasn't been out. And I've realized something. I like being a man, I like being in control and on top of things, like my women. I wanna be a man, I wanna have a girl that will want me, want to do my every whim. And yes, that seems a little sexist, but it's how everything worked out for the last 10,000 years. Why should this century be any different? What I don't want is a boy, and unfortunately in my girlfriend, that's all there is left.

And I gotta start calling her Calvin. I'm not sure if I can do that.

Thakwaash

I just watched a movie, Mysterious Skin, decent movie, I recommend it. Makes Brokeback Mountain look like Dora the Explorer. But all the while when I'm watching it I'm thinking, I know that kid. That main character that's now turning tricks. Where do I know him from. Well thanks to the internet, I got the answer off of Wikipedia really quick. It's the same kid from Third Rock from the Sun. Easy enough. While I'm on wikipedia I'll look around a bit. So let's take a trip.

Mysterious Skin > Asexual > Androgyny > Bisexuality > Gay bar > Bar > Cantina > Mos Esily Cantina > List of Star Wars Races (P-T)

In this list of races

"An equine-humanoid species, the Thakwaash reside on the world of Thakwaa.

The entire Thakwaash race is afflicted with a form of dissociative identity disorder Each member possesses multiple 'minds'; each of these minds (and associated personalities) controlling a different skill or talent.

The most notable member of the Thakwaash race is Wraith Squadron pilot Hohass "Runt" Ekwesh."


Horse-People. Crazy Horse-People. In Star Wars, there is an entire planet of Crazy Horse-People. I kinda wanted to live in the Star Wars Galaxy. Now, not so much.

Thank you George Lucas.

Wishes

"What would you wish for, anything at all. I would go for having the power to stop time so I could rape everything without anyone knowing.

That's impossible try for something a bit more realistic. Alright, how about one of my friends falling in love with me. Not to realistic, but at least possible.

She already has a boyfriend, and they're decently happy together, that would be a little selfish. And what are you talking about, you already got a girlfriend. My girlfriend would probably like to see me fuck someone else, so no problem there.

Alright so how about going for this other friend? Ok, sweet.

I wish she would fall in love with me."



The meteor shower was the other night, that was pretty much what went through my mind when I walked. I think I respect the first friend enough that I wouldn't fuck her. The second friend has really big tits. But the point is that I'm a normal human male and would turn down hot hot sex if I knew that it would cause pain to some one I- respect so much. Sometimes my mind does weird things to me.

Old Childhood Memories

We all have old kiddy memories, the little things like dad letting you ride on an extra seat on his bike. Or Mom trying to teach you how to wipe. The memories from way old back, the type of memories that seem like they might not actually exist but the only reason you know they're real is because you've talked to your parents or siblings or neighbors and they help bring out the details you forgot. There are some memories that if you ask anyone they have no idea what you're talking about. I remember going out to the back woods and seeing a 4by4 trail but the only part I could see of it was this bit that climbed straing up for fifty feet then went straight back down. My mom says I'm full of shit. I also like to tell people that I remember my great-grandmother telling stories about living back in Alabama and my great-grandmother's grandma fooling around with some of the share-croppers/slaves/any-black-guy-in-the-south-at-that-time so I'm not really all white. My mom says I'm full of shit.

Then there are somethings I don't like to tell people. Like how I once was God.

There are a few select memories from way back. Like before I was bore back. Like before anyone was born back. At least I think. They are mainly memories about me just floating about. Going over forests and mountains and just stopping near a little waterfall. I stopped the water from coming down for a second while I adjusted a stone that hit the water too much. When the water started flowing again, it was much prettier. I felt satisfied and floated off. I know I use to know a lot more, but its faded a lot with age.

This is the first place I ever said any of that. I love anonymity.

Fuck watches.

I have this amazing ability to stay up way past my bedtime. And there's nothing I can do about it. It really pisses, well everyone around me off cuz I act like I'm in a totally different time zone from them. Wake at noon, stall up till 4 in the morning, sometimes more. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't really have to deal with people to get things like food and a roof over my head. The sad thing is that I do. Everyone expects me to get up at a reasonable hour. Why I ask.

The hours of the day are not really time. Enjoying your life is how time really passes.

My Religion Part 1

I planned to introduce this series with some of my earilest thoughts on religon, moving up to what I think now. But I just thought of this about half a hour ago and need to right it down.

If God, saying there is single Abrahamic God with heaven/hell, all that, would let anyone down into hell, it must be because he does not like them. Why else would you let someone suffer an etirenity of torture? And why would you not like someone? Mainly because of their personality. It differs from your own and that leads to clashes and general dislike. God should be saying, "If I'm going to spend an eternity with these people, I should like them". So in order to be liked by God you must be like God. Basically what I'm saying is that anyone who plays god is bound to get into heaven, or something like that. I know I'm going to get in.

Either that, or god doesn't mind letting people go to hell because it's really a giant party. I know I'm going to get in.

...

Anyways, I have these pants with holes in the knees. High fashion, I know. But I was walking through my property and had to go down a hill that had thoes plants with thoes little burrs that stick to anything more or less. They got stuck on the inside of my pants, through the hole. I had to spend 5 minuets standing in the middle of nowhere getting them out. FML

Twitter me this, twitter me that

I got a twitter today. Why? I don't know.

It seems even more useless than a blog, twittering. It's pretty much you life in less than a paragraph at a time. I think its so stupid the little things that you get to find out about everyone. I mean little things. But its just the little stuff that they want you to hear. Not anything to important or anything that could probably be used to destroy their life or make them sleep with you. Just little things.

I always like going into people's houses and looking through their stuff. It's never anything too important, but sometimes you'll find interesting stuff. Like a dildo. Or an old magazine about futuristic things in the 1980's. Or anal beads.

If you care about my tiny thoughts in daily doses, go to https://twitter.com/The_Crazy_God
Please.
I beg of you.
I need to know someone is out there listening to me.

From the depths of /d/

A couple of days ago, my girlfriend got a mannequin. Little weird yes, but its has a reason. She's about to do a show where she'll dance with it. We come from the store where the little lady there let us borrow it for the show. All the way back to my place, I'm kinda flirting with it. Rubbing its breasts, caressing its neck, holding it close. I would make out with it if it had a head. It's kinda fun making my girlfriend jealous of a milky white carbon copy of some models torso. Now normally, my girlfriend isn't the jealous type, but I actually got her to take the dummy from my lap and toss it in the back seat.

When we finally get to my place, I ask if I could keep the mannequin with me for the night, she says, "Well since we don't have time to do anything tonight, I might as well give you her." she laughs a bit before adding, "I'll be here tomorrow so I can get the bottom of it ready." then she drives off into the distance.

So there I am in my room with nothing but a mannequin and some spare time. I wouldn't fuck this thing right? I don't need this, I got a good girlfriend and as well as a good high speed connection when shes gone. I hold it up for a closer look, its got no head, no arms, and about six inches of legs. Then again, its got good hips, a nice flat stomach. I couldn't say the same about my girlfriend. I really like the perky breasts that they put on this, it even has good nipples to suck.

Wait, why would I be doing this for some piece of plastic? I guess I just like sucking it- her nipples, gently licking her neck, rubbing its back and roaming down south to her firm ass. I really love it and just start rubbing her vulva, or what should be its vulva instead of a plastic non-gendered crotch. How could I fuck her now? Wait, her legs are spread just a little, and just little enough that it makes a tight fit for my erect cock, throbbing with want. it fits snuggly right up against her crotch. I can thrust ever so gently against her where I would know she would be quivering in pleasure, I thrust harder and harder. Moans fill the room. God this is good. I'm actually fucking a mannequin. And she feels way to good to be just plastic.

Ahh...

The doll seems to have just a bit extra white on it the next morning.

Blogging Galore!!!

I just found my girlfriends blog. I don't think she would like that.

Little thing out of the way first, its not too interesting. Looks more like a throwaway blog I had a few times before actually sticking to one. The kind you make for a new years resolution, because you are so sure that your life is so interesting that you could make numerous posts about it. Then post on for two day and totally forget about until Labor Day.

It's got three posts, the first being a basic, I got MPD, deal with it. The second on is actually kinda funny, she either lets Jack post or just copypastes something saved of Jack's onto the blog. It explains the trouble he had with one of his friends, a girl who is a total tease. He rants on and on about being so close that it drove him mad and some of the other alters had to put him down and out for a few days. And what is one of his closing statements? "-I’m no emo pussy." Would most likely be funnier if you've been through all the hours of crying that I've put up through. And lastly a post about ghosts. She sees ghosts, the reason which often switches between "Oh god my crazy mind is trying to make me crazy" to "I'm connected with everything"

All that aside, there is kinda a moral dilemma going on. I know she doesn't want me to read it and I found it out by accident. So is it ok if I go through her personal blog without her permission? One one side, you have the possibility of finding out info that would help you in dealing with said person. And on the other side, I know I wouldn't want anyone I know reading this blog. Hi random people. Fuck you TGO. And almost above anything else, I try to avoid being a hypocrite. So if I don't want her to read my blog, I shouldn't read hers.

But I already did.

Oh well.

An Old Dawn

I've heard a lot about my girlfriend's mother. She died when my GF was 12, but she had made her damage by then. It's thanks to her that my GF has Alters in her head that fuck with her life. From what I've been told, its worse than you can imagine, the things that were done. Horribleness. Monstrosities. Scars that will never fade.

Starts with a book thrown in anger. Her anger didn't stop. There were chains, there were cages, there was anal. I know there was anal because occasionally when I try that, she will start laughing and not stop for hours until someone else comes out and fronts for a few days.

This started when she was about six, maybe earlier, she doesn't like to talk about it. And now it won't ever stop. The scars and the cracks might not ever heal.

"This mailbox even gets mail for her occasionally. It takes me a second to remember who Dawn H. is on the letter."

"Dawn?" I ask.

"Yea," She replies. "That was my mom's name."

That's a pretty name. Dawn. Isn't it? Never is a name so hopeful, so full of light. It does not suit her. I've never seen so much hate directed at a single person, besides maybe Hitler. It would be nice if the world seemed to name everyone according to their personality. Then again, if that was the case. I know a lot of people who would be named Ass.

Productivity increase due to lack of sleep

I am feeling so productive right now that I don't want to waste my time by blogging about my life.

Subtly fucking our children

Alright, today I was walking around the apartments I live at, thinking about doing laundry. So I go down to the room to discover all the washers are taken up. Not wanting this to be a waste, I look around to see what I could grab, there's nothing but lint in the trash but there's a bag of clothes in on the "Take me" table. I leaf through it and it looks like I might like it so I take the bag into the apartment with me so I can try them on. Turns out, most of them are girl clothes. Why the fuck not, I try them on anyways.

Now, I'm a good sized guy, 5'10", ~200lb. Get your own meter/Kilo translation if you want it. In men's shirts, I normally wear a medium if I want something with a closer fit that makes me look sexy, or a large if I want something comfy. So, I pick up the first girls shirt, XL babydoll T, I'm thinking that its going to be big on me. Nope, fits perfectly, shows off my sexy(blah) figure. There is one XXL shirt in there so I figure I'll try that on. Barely any wiggle room, I wasn't really sure if this was a size up.

According to my findings, the corporate machine has one of the biggest pushes to make girls skinner that there is. Calling that extra ten pounds an extra dress size. With a normal guys shirt, you could probably gain twenty or thirty pounds and still fit fine. And its probably more than that. Guys tend to gain weight in different areas. I knew corporations make the biggest affect on girls lives when they come out with new fashions and last seasons stuff deserve to be trashed for all time, but this is news to me. Corporations also subtly make girls want to be thinner just so they can get that smaller shirt.

Kinda makes sense if you look at it from their point of view. Corporations do it to sell more better fitting shirts. I think I'm just pissed off that I'm an eXtra Large girl.

I'm fighting the internet, and its not on ForumWarz

I am in a great battle, one that cannot be lost.

I am downloading something that has two seed at times where I'm lucky. Its more of a battle of attrition, I know I can win if I can keep my internet connected as much as possible, meaning the only time I have turned off my computer in the last few days is when my stupid internet company decided to quit on me.

It's like a dragon, huge fire-breathing dragon. This dragon is in a cave, a rather dangerous cave, with rather good treasures inside the cave. But the dragon will protect his treasures at all cost, not moving to eat or drink or even shit for fear the knight will come in and steal his gold. The knight outside the cave has a position to kill him if he comes out, and if the knight outside come in, he is so toasted. So both wait.

For hours.

For days.

Forever.

Or at least till there's another seed.

My Brother

I don't have a brother, she has one though. It's not me, I think that guy is like halfway across state at some collage or a job or something. Anyway he moved out. But she has this thing of calling anyone who is a decently close friend of hers a sibling. So much so that she calls my girlfriend her sister, little weird with the incest going on.

I really hate her calling me brother.

I really really hate it.

Its not because I use to have a brother that I now have painful memories of, or that I don't like being compared to her brother. It's just that when ever I hear her call me "brother," what I hear is "I never want to fuck you," And that bothers me. After the first few times she said this, I started calling her "brother," she liked it and this is kinda a running joke between us now. I hate the fact that she liked that.

Now, I don't mind not ever getting to far with a girl, but this is kinda like rubbing it in. And girls tend to do that without noticing. They know a guy likes them, but they'll just tend to ignore it. Yes girls, in guy language, saying "Oh, your such a great friend," is more or less equal too slapping a fresh sunburn.

I got Dumped =P

I got dumped by one of my girlfriends, I'm pretty sure I told you I had two girlfriends. I;m a bit too lazy to look back and see. So I think Ill explain the whole thing.

The first girlfriend I had, K, she's the one with the multiple personalties, got together with me either the end of October or the end of 2008, depending on how you look at it. She said it would be cool for me to get another girlfriend, and so I do.

At the Sadie Hawking Dance, I tended to dance with one girl, B, and I kinda figured out I really liked her, so I asked her out. She said yes. Then I spent the next ten minuets explaining how much of an idiot I felt like for not asking her earlier. The night ended well, I got a new girlfriend. Woo.

The getting a new girlfriend kinda went, well, normalish. I think. All my friends asked why I would date that 'guy', and all her friends ask what she could possibly see in me. Our friends didn't like each other too much. I didn't see her that much during school. Why should I? Can't do anything fun. I think that one of my problems, I feel much more comfortable while doing the naughty. I could see her a bit on the weekends, we fucked just once. It was ok, she was tight.

About two or three weeks aftwards, she broke up with me. Just a little phone call. "Hey, I don't think this is going to work out. I hope we can still be friends." "K, thanks" The whole phone call, twenty two seconds.

Not that we ever got that close but still kinda hurts. I trusted a girl enough to date her, and well that kinda stings now. Its not too often that I will seriously go for a girl, I tend to fear rejection. It just stings.

I think it was a bit of a mistake, I don't mean she was a bad girl, she could stay a bit more in reality and a bit less in her book. Whatever, I need to read more. I think my major mistake was dating someone so popular, I thought she was at the popularity level that she could be fucking hobos everynight for 7.50 a pop and no one would give a damm. We barely did anything and rumors were going around that we were fucking like rabbits every night. I fucking wish. That and one her best friends really really fucking hates me.

Lesson learned, don't date anyone.

Guitargasms

I'm taking guitar lessons from a guy on my block. Its pretty cool, I got free lessons because I'm friends with his daughter. Me and his daughter fuck at almost every chance we get.

I don't think he knows that.

Bet anyways, every Tuesday night, I walk over to his place and learn to rock out. He is so good, Stevie Ray Vaughan would blush. He has about ten guitars, half a dozen amps, including one that's about 5 feet tall, and a wife that is apparently annoyed by that five foot tall amp and the noises it makes. He's done neat things, almost any song I named he could play, long as it was at least twenty years old, he pretty big into classical rock. He even got me into country. How? by making me play a really neat and fun country song. For Cinco de Mayo, he taught me flamingo by some guy I can't remember. Half the stuff he teaches, I can't quite remember. Probably more than half. But it's ok, I go back home and try to remember for hours on end rocking out on my guitar.

But the latest thing he taught me is "Old Man". You know the one. Why? Cause I don't know the guy, "old man, look at my life, I'm a lot like you were." That one. Basically, he starts off with the intro, just going at it, but instead of just the into, he mixes it up, adding about fifty different things to it that gust sound great. Moving it up a string, then down a few frets, then doing it with cords instead of plucking, then slowing it down with such emphasis on some notes, the whole house shakes with anticipation. Then speeding it back up, really speeding it back up, more cords, new frets, more strings thrown in. Then he does it, a twelfth harmonic.

Ahh.

A little moan comes out of my mouth before I knew it. He doesn't even look up from his guitar, he's just happy playing, I don't quite know if the smile on his face was there before the moan. I don't even know if he heard that, he so close to the amp. I think his daughter noticed though, she turns around from the computer and gives me one raised eyebrow before turning back to the random crappy site for funny gifs.

I just sit there quietly and try to not look to embarrassed.

Zombie attack on my brain

Can't say too much is going on in my life right now, got two girlfriends, not sure if I mentioned that before or not, failing one class, besides that A's, B's, and a C, introducing a friend into the wonderful world of iDoser, the little program that makes your brainwaves go like they are on drugs, even though she has actually been on crack and vicodin. Also just got Breathers by S. G. Browne, fun book I do wish there were more movies and games that had an overall pro-zombie feel to them.

Note to self: Do Something

Lets go to the mall!

I just got a new dildo, and I don't think I've ever been in love with something this inanimate before.

It was a gift for Jack, more or less. Something that he can strap-on and fuck me with. Not quiet exactally what he wanted, it's bright pink. But still, something to strap on and just hump away with. And since I won't really see him until Monday, I got it for the weekend. I already want to be fucked with it.

But the much more interesting part of the story is how we got it. We took, a day trip to Modesto, me and my girlfriend, my brother and her boyfriend. In case that last sentence confused you, I have this long running joke with one of my female friends that we call each other "Brother". Kinda started out when she said I was like a brother to her, this pissed me off because I do not like to be told I am unfuckable. So I called he brother back, she pick up on it, this pissed me off more. But anyways, me, my GF, my female friend, and her BF went on a day trip to Modesto, which was pretty much the closest place to get a dildo. All hail the mall. We we get into Modesto, we have a little accident, my GF, driving, didn't quite realize we were in the right turn lane. Results, a little paint damage to their car, and our left-side mirror is totally fucked up. And we have to wait an hour for the cops to show up and take a report while we are, and I'm not lying, half a block away from the mall.

The mall was normal, we walked past Hot Topic, we turned our heads towards the door, we see a life size picture of Edward, we keep on walking. We go to International Imports, we pick out a sweet dildo we think we have cash for, we count all out cash up, we're two bucks short. We remember a gift card, and then the machine says it's perfectly OK to buy a $30 item on a $25 non-reloadable gift card. After failing to convince the clerk that it's not her fault and it's ok to let us go because it said that the transaction went through, she checks it out and finds out we have seventy cents left. We pick out another, cheaper, dildo. We go to Cinabon and enjoy a snack. All is well.

Right before we are about to leave, we go to the bathroom, down this long hall. Now right next to the bathroom was a bunch of vending machines, and a photo booth. One of those old ones you use on vacations but they don't have any backgrounds, you know the type. But anyways, it's something to do while everyone I'm there with goes piss. I step inside and it moves, just a little, but enough to notice. I move my foot a bit and I can rock it back and forth. Interesting enough. So, one of my friends pop out of the bathroom and I show him, slightly interested. I mess around with it a bit more and this six-and-a-half-foot tall black mall cop say "Hey, knock that off," in a menacing black voice. I go, ok, ok, I'll be a good little boy. I watch the cop walk down the hall and turn away, completely out of site. Then I show the rest of my friends. The cop appears out of no where and goes, "You need to come with me." The cop won't even let me walk across the mall to get to the car, and he escorts my driver while me and the rest of my friends are waiting outside. At this point, I convince myself that my friend is pregnant. Because, first, she just got done puking in the bathroom, and second she told me off in the most serious tone, right in between bouts of laughter. "HAHAHAHA, God, what were you thinking, shaking a photo booth?!?! I mean he told you not to shake the photo booth and what did you do, you shook the photo booth, HAHAHA."

After my GF picks us all up, there all ganging up on me for getting us kicked out. "Did anybody else want something from the mall? Anybody? Anything? That's what I thought."

Hug and cry

My math teacher died today.

Either early today, or last night. But today we held a little remembrance ceremony for him. It was neat, everyone that knew him, or heard of him, which was almost everyone, was there. The leader of the school's Christ club lead the ceremony. Basically a few people said prayers, a few said nice things about him, then a moment of silence. I really didn't know the guy that well. Didn't really affect me, what people said was what people could have said about anyone.

Then one of my friends went up to say a few words, he was the last one too before the moment of silence happened. He is in my math class with me, we have been friends for pretty much as long as I've been at that school.

"I've only knew him for a few months, before he got sick. But basically from the second day of class, I could tell he was an awesome guy. He was a good man, and even though I didn't know him too well, I knew his daughter. And she is one of the best kids I ever met and I know that she had a really good dad. Thank you."

Again, those few meaningless words pass over as they could come from anyone. But then, something caught my eye, someone walking through the crowd, rather odd when everyone is standing still. I look up, it's my math teacher's daughter. And what does she do? She goes right up to my friend, turns him around and hugs him. They embrace and cry into each other arms. And as everyone is silent, just for a moment, the only thing you can here is the two crying and the few around them that hugged them too.

A tear falls from no where and lands on my cheek.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one is untouchable. There is always some way to make you cry, every sad sob story and every last sad pic couldn't touch something so close to home as someone you know so well losing a loved one.

Guess I'm human after all.

Party in the front, Bussness in the back

I really don't get the emo scene, or goth, or the 'scene' scene. I just think they are useless wastes of time where people try to attract the opposite sex with obscure references or insane amounts of makeup. My friends convinced it's because I don't have a fashion sense. Well basically, why I started on this rant is to tell you about this kid I know. He's one grade younger and a share a class with him. He is one of the more emo kids at our school. The lightest colored shirt he has is a dark brown. He likes to go around with his iPod, and a handy dandy little speaker, annoy the fuck out of everyone with heavy metal. His hair cut has bangs that touch his noes, and alomst bald in the back. It's not a straight cut point for the diffrent hair lengths, but I still think it looks like a backwards mullet.

Girl (and two extra guys) trouble.

Ever find something out? Something that you never wanted to know but probably would not function properly if you didn't know. Think something like back to the truth about Santa or the birds and the bees.

I found something out about my girlfriend. She has serious issues.

It turns out, as a child, she had some serious abuse. Dark damp stuff. And as a result, she has Dissociative Identity Disorder. Wonderful stuff for a young adult girl to have. Basically she has a few alternate personalities in her brain. At the latest census, there was seven, even though most aren't very active. Most anybody who gets to her, this deep inside her to find out this, they just can't handle it. They don't know what to do, what the fuck she's talking about most of the time.

I didn't. And she love me for it.

I think I know why too. Most people, hearing news like that, would think she's a freak, a fault, someone that deserves to never ever see the light of day save what ever comes through a padded room. I think it's kinda neat. Almost a Sci-Fi program, and with odd names to match. You think Daleks is odd, you've seen nothing. Sci-Fi is also the only other place where I've seen death, rebirth, rebirth as something totally different, and redeath.

Honestly, it's fun. She has two personalities that are rather prominent, first Jack. Your typical biker with an infinite appetite for sex and steak. The appetite for sex is one of the reasons I like him a lot. He's just a biker stuck in a young girl's body. Not in the way he would like to be either. Then there's Lex, when he was first born, he was convinced he was a resurrected crusader here to protect the girl. He tends to be an odd cross between Johnny Depp and Cyrano de Bergerac. He's all about honor and doesn't want to get into a relationship with me until he knows me well. I've already fuck him twice, good timing with his horny cycles I think, and it really pisses him off.

There are more of them, I don't quite know them and barely know of them, but hey, more fun for the future.

<3

My New Years Resolution is to Make a Resolution

Ah, a new year, a new chance to fail at everything I do.

I think I really know why I haven't been writing here so much. I got a girlfriend. It releases stress. I only write here because it releases stress, the need to get something off my chest. But if I have another source, this seems meaningless. Honestly have a girlfriend sucks balls. What I think is worse is that she has a few rape fantasizes. Now that in itself may seem bad, but it's not really. From small psychological things I've read, what a rape fantasy really is is a cry that she wants a more controlling man. Something different from this feminized world. Even when I don't have a girlfriend, I'm a pretty relaxed guy. Asking me to have anger and raw animalistic feeling while I thrust, just doesn't really work for me.

But my title does actually work, it would actually be 'plan' a resolution down, but whatever. Take the time to actually plan something out and you got most of the work down already. Or so says a self-help book I got on how to not procrastinate. Which reminds me, need to sit down and finish that book. So I actually made a plan. I will create an indie film by May 2010. It also says to create a deadline for everything unless they're just floating in the wind. So create a script, finish by February. Get funding, get a cast, get a camera and a crew. Get filming.

Hopefully it will work out and not become another idea on the shelf gathering dust.