Old Childhood Memories

We all have old kiddy memories, the little things like dad letting you ride on an extra seat on his bike. Or Mom trying to teach you how to wipe. The memories from way old back, the type of memories that seem like they might not actually exist but the only reason you know they're real is because you've talked to your parents or siblings or neighbors and they help bring out the details you forgot. There are some memories that if you ask anyone they have no idea what you're talking about. I remember going out to the back woods and seeing a 4by4 trail but the only part I could see of it was this bit that climbed straing up for fifty feet then went straight back down. My mom says I'm full of shit. I also like to tell people that I remember my great-grandmother telling stories about living back in Alabama and my great-grandmother's grandma fooling around with some of the share-croppers/slaves/any-black-guy-in-the-south-at-that-time so I'm not really all white. My mom says I'm full of shit.

Then there are somethings I don't like to tell people. Like how I once was God.

There are a few select memories from way back. Like before I was bore back. Like before anyone was born back. At least I think. They are mainly memories about me just floating about. Going over forests and mountains and just stopping near a little waterfall. I stopped the water from coming down for a second while I adjusted a stone that hit the water too much. When the water started flowing again, it was much prettier. I felt satisfied and floated off. I know I use to know a lot more, but its faded a lot with age.

This is the first place I ever said any of that. I love anonymity.

My New Years Resolution is to Make a Resolution

Ah, a new year, a new chance to fail at everything I do.

I think I really know why I haven't been writing here so much. I got a girlfriend. It releases stress. I only write here because it releases stress, the need to get something off my chest. But if I have another source, this seems meaningless. Honestly have a girlfriend sucks balls. What I think is worse is that she has a few rape fantasizes. Now that in itself may seem bad, but it's not really. From small psychological things I've read, what a rape fantasy really is is a cry that she wants a more controlling man. Something different from this feminized world. Even when I don't have a girlfriend, I'm a pretty relaxed guy. Asking me to have anger and raw animalistic feeling while I thrust, just doesn't really work for me.

But my title does actually work, it would actually be 'plan' a resolution down, but whatever. Take the time to actually plan something out and you got most of the work down already. Or so says a self-help book I got on how to not procrastinate. Which reminds me, need to sit down and finish that book. So I actually made a plan. I will create an indie film by May 2010. It also says to create a deadline for everything unless they're just floating in the wind. So create a script, finish by February. Get funding, get a cast, get a camera and a crew. Get filming.

Hopefully it will work out and not become another idea on the shelf gathering dust.

I'm dreaming the popular vote elects the president.

I wonder if I'm the only person who's dreams make more sense then their life. Sure, my last dream was me as a female cartoon charter who could fly stranded in a desert dome in the middle of Antarctica. But it made sense. It followed a story. Even if the story was that I escaped and met a chick on top of a clock tower in New York, it was more comprehensible than me getting two completely different illnesses within a week of each other. The entire Antarctic continent being so small that I could see ocean all around it from a couple hundred feet up makes more sense than my anatomy test last week.

Maybe my dreams only make sense to me.
Maybe my life only doesn't make sense to me.

I do wonder if I could stay a bit longer in my dream world. I look for different lucid dreaming sites but they all make almost zero sense to me. Actually what they ask is rather easy, so easy I don't want to do it. Never want to do anything anymore.