Spiritual Oblivion

Sometimes the only reason I think I'm here is because I don't know any better.

What could have I been? I'm not talking doctor or fireman, I'm thinking bigger. I could have been a wolf for all I know. Why that popped into my head as the first thing is probably because I just got a copy of Ōkami for the Wii. Fucking amazing game. And I beat the whole thing without looking at any type of walkthrough for me. Not really a first but it has been a while. Especially for a largely puzzle game. I finally broke down and looked at IGN when I accidently stumbled apon the hardest challenge in the game. Ready to die at the fifth round of I didn't know how many, turns out there's ten.

I got on a tangent there. I'm just kinda wondering the nature of souls. Do they exist? Where do they go after we die? Where are they before we are born? Does everything have a soul? Can parts of things have their own soul? Can a group have a soul? Can souls have effects on the physical world, or visa-versa? Most importantly, why did my soul go into this body?

A thousand questions that living man might not ever answer. If we listen to science, they would tell us that our life is that and only that. There is no soul, no place that we go after we die and no place we were before we were born. That life as it is now is the only thing that matters. Why bother with church if the only place we go out of existence is into a grave?

I like to think a bit better than that. I've seen women trash on the floor when something dark inside of her was being pushed out. I've seen a man that hasn't has his lungs work right for ten years finally be able to take a deep breath after the touch of a holy man. I've heard things that no scientist would explain as a natural occurrence, felt chills in a room without wind, and seen things that could never have been there. More importantly I've heard men tell stories of walking the fine line of death and their experiences of coming back from the other side.

I'd like to think that after we die, that there isn't just some little place of dirt to call our own. That there is something more. Heck, if even all there was after we died was eternal punishment in a lake of fire, I would want to know. Probably so I can try to extend my life a bit more than I'm doing now. And maybe try to get use to heat more. If there is a hell, I hope it isn't just a lake of fire, I want it to be a bit more interesting. I want it to be my family reunion​ when I just got a smoking hot nymphomaniac girlfriend, that has issues about any PDA. I want it to be an urgent message courier for New York City during rush hour. I want it to be a nine to five job as an office bitch working for a company that sells paper. I want it to be my sixth grade class. I want it to be trying to teach the plot of a single episode of Lost to someone who's never seen it.

That being said, I don't really want there to be a hell. I'd like a heaven. But I think given enough time, heaven would be hellish. Getting to do whatever you want any time you want would be dull as hell after a year or two. Seems like getting a dream job that gets dull quicker than you can see your first paycheck.

If there is an afterlife, I hope it's a lot like earth here. Not everything is easy, not much comes free, and you have to give your time to get something good. And if there is an after life, I hope one day you can leave it, and I hope they have as much idea of where you go after that as we do now.

The Epic Struggle of Man

I want to run an immoral science experiment.

There has been a total of five people I've fucked. Two were girls, two were guys, and then there's my transsexual friend. Three have been virgins, two have fucked other people before me. Two were younger than me, one was about my age, and the other two were older than me.

This is about the two girls that I've fucked. This is about two of the virgins. This is about two of the people that were younger than me. This is about the two fourteen year old virgins that I've fucked.

With in a few days after I fucked the first fourteen year old girl, I noticed my dick seemed to get a bit bigger. Even my transsexual friend noticed and liked that it got a bit bigger. Then, after I took the cherry of the second fourteen year old girl, I noticed my dick got a bit bigger again. Not by much, but noticeable.

Now part of me wants to think that this is a coincidence, just a fluke of nature that just some growth spurts happened at that time. Then there's other part of me that wants to think that, yes, for some reason my dick happens to get bigger when ever I fuck a new girl. That I have and will have for the rest of my life, a way to make my dick bigger, not nessicarly anytime I want, but I don't really want to think that I have to fuck a virgin in order to have this effect though. Or a fourteen year old. Then again, if I have to fuck fourteen year olds, it probably wouldn't be to hard to get virgins as well.

Need actually scientific data about the size of my cock, the girls I'm with, and change over time. Maybe I can make a connection. If I do find out if there is a connection between fucking and dick size, I want to know. Not only for my own sake, but for the sake of all the other girls I will ever fuck. If I ever publish my findings, I will probably be called a pedophile.

Isn't what most men do an attempt to make their dick seem bigger? I'm just a little more direct.

I am safe.

Met with parents of J today, said that they kinda understand and would probably do the same thing if they were in that position, at least the step-dad did. More importantly, not pressing charges. They talked about how she's not exactly innocent, and how they need to keep a better leash on her. The mother just broke some major part of her leg, so she can't go back to work for three months, so in that time, she's going to keep a mighty close eye on her. They kept saying teens will be teens and didn't really blame me cuz they know their daughter is a slut. They also kept saying that they would use this time to "Instill the fear of god in her." Which I didn't really understand, and made me think more and more about kidnapping J, not so that I could have a sex slave, but for her own good. The church the mother goes to is the big flashy type of Christianity that asks you to give to the rich church so they can build a bigger, flashier church. Makes sunday seem like a three ring circus.

The step dad didn't quite talk so much. The t first comment was about how he would do what I did, then a grunt followed by the words "You know, hormones," when it matched what his wife was talking about. The next words out of his mouth is that how I am rather lucky, and that I didn't sleep with anyone's daughter that would have a grudge against the pervert and go after him with a shotgun. He also casualled mentioned that he does have a shotgun, and that two people that would be the type he just discribed would be J's older brother and biological father. Thankfully for me, they are both more than three hundred miles away. He also said he'll let it slide now, but next time, he will call the sheriff. If not one of the men eariler mentioned. He also mentioned about how there are plenty of guys in this county, that if I went and fucked their daughters, they would never find the body. He's a nice guy, I think.

So I'm probably going to stay away from that girl for a while. Till she's eighteen at least.

A thousand ways my day could have gone better.

Something so horrible has happened, that the thought of what might come next has made me wash my sheets.

Did I mention that J is only 14 years old? I think I did, did I mentioned that I fucked her multiple times? I think I did too. However, I don't believe that I ever wanted this mentioned to her parents, which from what I heard, just happened.

I woke up and texted J that we should meet up today. No response. Five minuets later, I text her again asking if she exists. Still no response. Then I'm about to text her that either she got her phone taken away, or I am going to be angry as hell at her, and no that will not be good for angry sex, before I get a call from my friend that he overheard a phone conversation that his parent had a talk with the parent of J, that said she confiscated her phone and looked at all the messages saying that we've fucked. Not to suprized that she didn't text me back now. But I am now frantically going through the house, picking up any condoms, throwing any used sheets into the washer because my friend also said that they were going to be coming over soon. I hid the condoms in a very secret place because I didn't quite thought I had time to burn them. But then I got everything done, and settled down at the computer and waited for them. That was about 2PM, and it is now past 3AM.

Worry is not your friend. Not knowing where someone is because they aren't on time and might be dead in a ditch, not bad. Getting a test back that may make or break your grade, not bad. Seeing your friend again after a particulary bad fight, not bad. Getting up your courage to go talk to a hot girl, ok that's kinda bad, but... Waiting for the cops to come pick you up and throw you in jail. Bad.

I am not a pedophile. At least I don't think of myself as a pedophile. She has a D-cup, so if I am a pedophile, I'm not the bad of one. She's drunk more alchol, smoke more ciggaretts, and has done more drugs than I probably ever will, yet these laws are in place to help protect young girls, like her, and their innocence. If she had any innocence to begin with, I didn't take it. If nothing else, I only gave her something else to be addicted too. Quick question, would you rather have your 14 year-old daughter have a very dedicated boyfriend that always uses proper birth control with her, or have a daughter with a very didicated crack dealer that always sells her good clean shit?

Lol, accidental 30 day challenge

Lets see what happened to me today.

J, new girl, was up texting till about 1:30 at night. Then I fell asleep and got a text at 8:30. Now that I think about it, it was 7 hours so I really should be complaining, but still. She sent me a text saying that she was home alone. I don't think any self respecting man could get a text that says "Hey, I've got plenty of time for you to come and fuck me this morning. I want your ass over here." And still go back to sleep. So I got up, I threw together a bag with condoms, snacks, and some underwear for her, and went up to her place. Never been there before so it took like a hour to find it. But once I got there, I relaxed a little bit. She danced around in her new underwear. Then we fucked, I thought it was a relaxing fuck.

She was slapping me a lot, not playful slapping, full on slapping. Like, almost wanted to punch her slapping. Then we went back to my place, half making out on my bed, half snuggling. And she was still slapping me a lot. I'm normally a laid back guy, not really one to look for a fight or yell at people and do any sort of catharsis. But it got to a point were I flipped her off of me and I got all her limbs of held down. And she was smiling. That's when I realized that angry sex is what she wanted. That all that slapping and making fun of me was her trying to make me angry, so she could get off properly. She could have done a lot better way to get me angry than just slapping me till I fucked her nice and hard. But that was effective, and I'm not all to sure what I would do if she said that she wanted me to get angry. So what did I do once she finally got me angry? Fucked her hard, of course. She claims that I'm so more passionate angry.

So now I looking for ways to get myself angry. Looking at pictures of stupid concepts, reading creationist theories, screaming and punching things. I even tried doing Guitar Hero on expert mode. But one thing has seemed to work particularly well...

Music.

The starting riffs, they empty me, they make me a shell to fill myself of what comes next. The singers reach me on a level that talking could never claw it's way down to. Solo's touch places that seem like they haven't been touched since the universe was made. The chorus, the repeated notes, drilling their way into my mind passing any emotional barriers that were ever created. The ending finally brings it to an close, where ninety percent of the weather the song is good or bad can rest on weather or not it has a good ending. The very beats coursing through my veins making it seem like emotion itself is prepackaged and sold in 1's and 0's.

The only problem is that I tend to not really have any heavy music. I think Porcupine Tree is my most heavy band, mostly listen to shit like Vampire Weekend.

And J is giving me a beat around

Man, today has been the weirdest day for me.

My ex called me. My ex called me and said that he(FTM transition, I think I can go with he here) wanted to meet up. I said yes. Maybe I could get a chance to apologize. I don't really know what I was thinking, but I know it wasn't what it turned out to be. He came over to my place. We talked, we had emotions spill out, we snuggled a little bit. We made out, we fucked each other. We had pizza. Basically he's hated me so much for what he calls rape, making him pregnate, then acting like a jerk. Three months of him being so emotionally fucked over from getting used, and dumped. Then the whole thing of what could have happened if the zygot that lived for a short time inside him lived to full term. A few months before the break-up, he had a dream. We were getting married, and we had a baby, named Ive. Or something like that, I can't really remember. But there was one bit where he and a friend were at a store, the passed by the little section for babies, and he just stood there, crying his eye's out. I can tell that he was very much broken up and I havn't even scratched the surface.

But we fucked and snuggled and did all these things just like it was old times again. And I loved it. One of the other major emotions he was feeling was, not so much hornyness, but just wanting someone to snuggle, someone to kiss and feel skin to skin. None of his other friends are really people for touching. Suck their dicks, maybe, no snuggling. And he was really missing that feeling of being close to someone. I was always the person to provide that, his snuggle crack dealer. So he came over to my place, and we made a bit of a move towards each other. And so we had one long ass sex session full of ass.

About the baby. I know that he at one small point in time carried something inside him that could have very easily become a full grown human being. While this is techinally true, I don't really think life begins at conception. While yea, everything is there and left alone, it would become a baby. If you took it out right then, it couldn't sustain itself. But then again, with that logic, you could say that one isn't a legal human being till you get out of collage and have your own job with a wage you can live on.

That tells me something that I think I've know for a long time. I'm not human.

I has a girl.

Remember J? I talked about her a while back, and how she is insanely hot for me. Well, I wrote a little something for all you guys.

She took her shirt off, she flung it to the floor and it made a wet smack. Still rather moist from swimming earlier, but the water only made her skin glisten more. She pressed her body against me and pressed her lips deep against mine. The moisture still contained in her bikini top made my chest cold, but then warm as she pressed her body against mine harder and harder. I started to unbutton her jean shorts, with a matching green bikini bottom showing through, both through holes rubbed off, and the strings being higher on her waist than the top of the shorts. I have to slide it off, bringing my hands down her ass and thighs.

She stops to say, "No fucking me today, ok?" She waits for a second for me to nod yes. But only for a moment before she grabs my head and continues her ravaging of my tongue with her's. She holds me tight, not wanting to let go, never wanting to let go. But I want something else. I grab hold of her neck, firmly, yet gently. No where near enough to cut of circulation or airflow, but enough to make it seem like I could. She brings her hands to mine, in some attempt to maybe escape. The look in her eyes proves to me that she is mine. Submissive to me and always will be. A cold sneer crosses my lips. I throw her onto my bed. She lands gently and looks up to see me climbing on top of her. Still that sneer on my face.

I took her legs and spread them, laying half on her with our crotches pushed together. We kiss again. I hold her head up and pull at the strings holding the bikini up then pull them down to reveal the soft mounds of her breasts. How much she's worked on her tan is obvious now. Gently, I squeeze and rub her white breasts, watching her as she enjoys her tits being molested. My mouth keeps her occupied, while my hands travel farther south. Rubbing her bikini and finding the top of her slit, she moans when I start off with her clitoris. Moving up and down and making her eyes go into far off places. Another hand makes a move towards her hip, finding the knots of her string bikini then gently pull. Full contact is possible now. Her breath is heavy and small moans become more and more common.

I take off my shirt and start to take off my pants, but she takes this time when I'm distracted to her advantage. She flips me over and climbs on top of me. Her crotch hovers above mine, and she bends over to kiss me more. Her legs are open just enough for me to reach my hand through, which I do so. I start masturbating under her, sometimes hitting up against her crotch. "That better be your fingers," she says. I reply, "I'm defiantly using my hands down here." Using my own cock I rub against her, not putting anything in, but teasing both of us quite nicely. This goes on for a while, with her pecking at my lips, and me rubbing against her lips. I can tell she likes my hand down there doing what it does. "How much do you want to fuck me?" she says, leaning back and onto my cock a little more. She really wants it, but she doesn't want to admit it. "I have half a mind to turn you over and take you right now." She looks down and moans a little before saying "Do it." I grab her right leg and swing it off of me, I climb on top of her and swing her legs back. I look her straight in the eye as I aim my cock and take the first plunge.

A deep intake of breath means that she has a new rush of feeling down there, I'm not all to sure if it's good or bad. I can tell she wants more, but she's in pain as well. I start moving in slowly in and out, she both pulls her body up and pushes towards me. I'm not all to sure if she wants more, or wants me out. I start moving faster and she decides. "It hurts," she pulls away and I fall out. "You got to stick with this, it's going to hurt your first time." I say to her. She nods, I take a finger and stick it in her, teasing her with it. It defiantly makes her more accepting when I stick it back in her. Now her moans are only of pleasure. I'm still going rather slow. Taking my time going in and out of her body. I'm still not all to sure if she is loosened up enough.

I go slightly faster, and then I hear the sigh that I know that she's enjoying it. "Harder." I let myself loose. I start to pound on her with my crotch. I start to feel the full depth of her wet moist cunt. It's all she can do to hold back from screaming in absolute pleasure. Her head rolls backwards and she lets her body do the work of giving her pleasure. She moves with me, making me hit her spot so much easier. With every stoke, she and I both get closer to ultimate pleasure. So close, our bodies pounding in time. The bed shakes and short sweet moans come out of her. My own mouth and my own body begin to betray me as I go over the edge. Deep grunts and unrelenting pounding happen as I get oh so close to the edge. I cum. And she isn't doing anything but looking at the ceiling with a smile on her face.

New computer troubles...

I got a new computer, a brand new right out of the fucking box took the protective film off of it myself new computer.

It's got a lot of problems. Most of which, I fixed right off the bat. To name a few, it came with both MacCaffe and Norton Antivirus software. Now, these are good programs that do their jobs with excellence, but they are not for me. I remember one of the last times I dealt with Norton, it advised that you buy the professional version insted of keep the free one. They even had a little table of the diffrenced between the two. One of the more notable things on this table was that both free and paid versions detect viruses, but only the pay for version had the little checkmark that says "Removes virus". I had to deal with a program that I forget the name of, but it's probably good that I have, but I remeber the type of program it was. Ransomware. Basically, it locked you out of your computer till you paid fifty bucks. It kept you from opening any program except for internet explorer, and it had a proxy rediret there that made it only go to there site. Where you had to pay to get the full version of the program where it would remove all these viruses it was finding and let you have your computer back. I looked it up, and they made the viruses up. It wasn't good for shit, and because Norton reminded me a lot of that program, I now think Norton is shit. So I uninstalled Norton and installed Avast before even connecting it to the internet.

Then a whole merryaid of programs came next since I was connected to the internet. CCleaner VLC, foobar2000, uTorrent, Rainmeter, WinRAR, YoWindow, Trillian, and VirtuaWin. Skype was already on here and was one of the few programs I deceded to keep. Also got Irfanview as pretty much a copy of the basic file viewer of XP, which I'm upgrading from, since the standard Windows 7 one sucks. Have to press three buttons to get the actual size and can't even play gifs. I don't care that you can play video files, that why you come with windows media player, which also sucks so I replaced it with foobar2000.

Also got the new version of firefox. 3.6.something. Big leap since my old computer only had 3.0.3. So I get the new firefox, try installing all my old add-ons and we start running into problems. I had to go into the comments of one of the add-ons to find a version that works since it's creator apparently just forgot about it. Another thing is that I couldn't get the SaveSession add-on to work. I tried two diffrent add-on and reinstalling them half a dozen times, but it wouldn't work. I eventually looked up why this is, and apparently it was because I didn't have the history being saved. At all. So when ever I closed it, it was lost to the sands of time. I went over to my old computer and looked at my old version of firefox, and found that the history was never saved and the SaveSession add on worked very well. Even though I love mozilla and everything they do, I wanted to punch them in the face. So I quickly downgraded to version 3.0.10 to keep my SaveSession, and not keep my history. It's kinda funny how big they can advertize how much they want you to have the newest version of Firefox. Even with all it's features, I still don't want it.

Oh yea, and I'm fucking a fourteen year old girl. Just thought you ought to know. I'll probably make a post about that tommorow.

Poolside Fun

Just got done making out with a girl for at least half an hour. It was awesome.

Today we had a pool party, nothing special really. We have one every Tuesday and I always get my group of friends to come over to the community pool for a few hours and party it up. It was actually rather good this time, I brought a bunch of cans of soda that were left over from my last party, some other kid brought two Rockstars, and another emptied out his cupboard of snack food to us.

Then all but me and one other kid left. I live about a fifth of a mile away from the pool, so I didn't need to go anywhere fast. There was also two other girls there, one I've met by my ex's parents were friends with her parents, and the other was her cousin. Let's call the one I already know J, now I'm pretty sure J has always had a crush on me, we tend to poke fun at each other a lot.

We were talking and poking fun at each other, then she asks me "Hey, why isn't your girlfriend here?"

I say, "She's not my girlfriend anymore."

"Oh, so you're single now?"

"Yea, what are you going to do about it?"

Then she's under me and gets right up to my mouth with her mouth. We start making out. Then she steals a plastic inflatable whale from me. We're half making out, half chasing each other for the whale. Then we start to not care about the whale so much and just start making out. I feel lucky that all the people there were there, my friend that stayed there a little longer than she was suppose to talked to J's cousin and they kept each other entertained. For half an hour while me and J were making out. Then we went behind a shed and made out some more and I felt her tits. It ended with her cousin begging them to leave because she might not be allowed to stay the night.

But I got her phone number and we're going to meet up Thursday. Probably for sex.

Gothic Candy

I have a date in about an hour. Kinda scared.

About a week ago, a girl sent a picture to me on facebook. It was a close up of her tits. She was in a bra and an open jacket, but still an obvious picture of the goods. This was a new experience. I've never had a girl so obviously come on to me. I can't really remember the last time a girl did come on to me, so that was kinda new too.

I wouldn't say the girl is a slut, but she is the type to cycle through boyfriends like millionaires go through cars. And from what she says, she hasn't fucked to many guys. But I'm still going to keep my emotional distance.

Mostly going for her because I want some. We're seeing Splice, should be interesting.