I try to leave, but they just keep pulling me back.

Fuck man, I was going to become a monk or something.

Today was... interesting. I don't really think I could call it a good day though. I went to a pool party with a few friends. Went to taco bell after. Had tons of fun. On the way home, I was at peace. I felt good about myself. About my situation. I thought that I could live well like this. Not without sexual touch. I'm not all to sure if that makes sense, it makes more inside my head, believe me. The basic thing is that on the ride home, I was pretty sure that I could start to do a buddhist thing and live without disire. Without want. Without love.

Also had my first time with a horse today. It wasn't really my first time ever seeing a horse, but it was my first time seeing a horse that wasn't either at least twenty feet away, or with twenty other kids around it. I pet it a little bit, and it smelled my hand a lot, then it walked away. Horses are weird.

But, I got out of my friends ranch, and he dropped me off by the pool and went back to his house. My ex was at the pool, and since I'm trying to be closer to him and maybe repair some bridges that got broken, I thought I should stop and say hello. That hello turned into me helping pull the leather cover off their jeep, which turned into just hanging out till they left.

There were six people there. Me, my ex, his good friend, her boyfriend, and two other guys I don't really know. I did get the impression that it got a lot more awquard when I got there, which I was trying to avoid. We didn't really talk about the issue at hand, not really good company for that. Instead we talked about how Adrien Brody got hot in Predators. I kept thinking about how it would be nice to have friends. And how I could probably never live without people.

Fucking hell man.