The night I knew I was loved.

I fucked someone in the ass. No where near what I had planned for that day.

Normal pool gathering for a tuesday. Party a little bit. Then my Ex came over. Talked and waited for everyone else to leave, then walked back to his place. We talked. Reminisced. Snuggled. Maked out. Groped each other. Mostly his ass. Then stuck a finger up his ass. Then got lubed up and stuck my cock up his ass. He was glad that I didn't try to go for any front bits.

But anyways, we're like halfway through ass fucking and his dad comes home. Ever since the "J" incident, which he heard about, my ex's dad hasn't been too keen on seeing me again. So it was that if he came home, I was to sneak out a door. But my ex wasn't too keen on interupting our great ass fucking session. So the door to the bedroom was shut, locked and the key tossed behing the mattress. After the assfucking, about halfway through the fisting, the phone rang. One of our mutual friends. Apparently she was wandering around the second biggest city in the county, drunk off her ass, depressed about what was only explained as "My parents are assholes."

This very quickly went from a bad situation, to worse. As I wasn't suppose to be on the property of the man that was one hallway away playing New Super Mario Brothers Wii. A game which he's had for like four months and looked like he got maybe to the seventh world. I had that game for a weekend and beat it. But still a situation of if I walked passed, I could very well be spotted by a turned head. So my ex wanted me to go out the window. Fun. Dangerous. Just my type of night. Eventually he figured that I would probably get spotted anyways cuz the next room has a nice big window. So we did something ten times more daring. Walk straight out there and hope he doesn't see us. Which surprisingly worked. I had to duck behind a window for ten minuets while my ex got everything together, but it still worked out great. A quick ride and a peck on the cheek later, and I'm probably doing the same next week.

I would have gone along with her to see said mutual friend for support and whatnot, but he advised against it. I think it's because said mutual friend is almost best friends with another mutual friend for the remainder of this post I shall call M. M was there when the miscarriage happened. M held his hand when he was screaming on the bathroom floor, bleeding out so much that nothing could soak up everything. M was there listening when for three months straight, all he could complain about is me. And now my ex is back to me after so much pain and so much complaining. If there was any more of a hint that we were back together, in a more sexual sense, I'm not sure if he would ever hear the end of it.

good old childhood

About a week ago, I got a sudden urge to play Sonic Adventure. Now, since this is on a system that no longer is in production, and finding a dreamcast would be a feat in itself, I decided to do the next best thing. I got an emulator. That, and I'm to cheap to spend twenty bucks on what would probably be a system and probably twenty games. I know emulators and roms tend to have a reputation of being more diseased than twelve dollar hookers. But I tend to trust people and what they do. Which is something that will probably get me in some big shit someday, but what ever, I'll go down with a smile.

So, about twelve diffrent versions of emulators later, I finally got one that works. And I played a couple stages of Sonic Adventures. Then Sonic Adventures 2. I couldn't really get the emulator to play at any speed but 300%, or 70%. Both are annoying as fuck, but 300% doens't seem like your waiting for twelve hours to play one level and can get you through a level rather quick. And 70% is usefull for when you want to do something with presision.

But going through the list of games on the rom site, I saw other games that I remember playing. Things like Toy Racer, Rayman 2, and Evolution: The World of the Sacred Device. Now, for thoes of you who don't know about Evolution: The World of the Sacred Device, it was one of the first full RPG's on the dreamcast. It featured rich gameplay in it's unique dungon-crawling world, multiple exchangable charcters each with there unique wepons or abilities. If you don't have it, I suggest you go out and buy it. Or just get a digital copy of it and play it on a computer. And since there are no more "New copies" for you to buy and game makers to get roalities from, I'm pretty sure sega doesn't care either.

Diffrencencs between Girls and Boys

Girls:
"Hey, you look like you're a little down. Anything wrong?"
"I didn't know I looked down at all, nothing's wrong."
"Are you sure?"
"Yea, I'm sure."
"Ok..."
Whole thing dripping with passive-aggressive-ness.

Boys:
"Hey, you look like you're a little down. Anything wrong?"
"I haven't had any cocaine in like 24 hours. Give me a break."
Round of guys busts out in laughter.

I try to leave, but they just keep pulling me back.

Fuck man, I was going to become a monk or something.

Today was... interesting. I don't really think I could call it a good day though. I went to a pool party with a few friends. Went to taco bell after. Had tons of fun. On the way home, I was at peace. I felt good about myself. About my situation. I thought that I could live well like this. Not without sexual touch. I'm not all to sure if that makes sense, it makes more inside my head, believe me. The basic thing is that on the ride home, I was pretty sure that I could start to do a buddhist thing and live without disire. Without want. Without love.

Also had my first time with a horse today. It wasn't really my first time ever seeing a horse, but it was my first time seeing a horse that wasn't either at least twenty feet away, or with twenty other kids around it. I pet it a little bit, and it smelled my hand a lot, then it walked away. Horses are weird.

But, I got out of my friends ranch, and he dropped me off by the pool and went back to his house. My ex was at the pool, and since I'm trying to be closer to him and maybe repair some bridges that got broken, I thought I should stop and say hello. That hello turned into me helping pull the leather cover off their jeep, which turned into just hanging out till they left.

There were six people there. Me, my ex, his good friend, her boyfriend, and two other guys I don't really know. I did get the impression that it got a lot more awquard when I got there, which I was trying to avoid. We didn't really talk about the issue at hand, not really good company for that. Instead we talked about how Adrien Brody got hot in Predators. I kept thinking about how it would be nice to have friends. And how I could probably never live without people.

Fucking hell man.

I'm only writing this because utorrent is taking all the bandwidth

I'm about to get two kittens. I don't really have to much more to say about that. Maybe I should have just twitter'd that. Whatever.

Some times I want to run away from this life. All this expectations, all this responsibility, all this pressure. Go ahead and become a wanderer. Go from place to place and live off the kindness of others, and give back to them what I can. Become a holy man, telling people how to live their life better. Become a tramp, picking up what little work I can to meet end's meet. Become a bard, tell people of more exciting days or more exciting lives.

The point of is all is that I want to live more free of what I do now. I want a existence that isn't tied down to anything. I want a life that isn't status quo.

I'm not all to sure of the logistics of it though. I can't really go more than a day or two without a shower before I start to feel like a grease trap. I don't really do to much with my time besides mess around on the computer. I'm not in shape at all, walking around or being in the heat for too long wouldn't really fit me. And I can't say I'm the prettist boy on the block either, free stuff wouldn't come eaisy.

Maybe I should get in shape and get a bit of plastic done before I go out into the world. Kinda weird for a hobo to have just come out of surgery. Whatever.

Most intresting weight lost system.

Features no exercise! Eat whatever you want! No need for any dangerous pills! Have more hours in your day!

All you have to do is try your absolute best to never sleep. I've been trying to do this for a few weeks, and I have already lost like five pounds. I think that's a mix of still trying to eat three square meals even though it's more of a 20-22 hour day, working out to try to stay awake, and being sick to my stomach a lot, so whenever I do eat, I can only eat half what I use to. Also, when ever I do sleep, I noramally sleep so hard, that I'll wake up in six hours, and my muscles will be too sore to lie back down.

There's also a lot more dreaming going on. Probably just because I can sleep in and wake when ever I want. But last night I had an intresting dream. It started out as a 2d view of just a couple of 8-bit pixles. I had one of the pixles that got to shoot at little crosses. I finally damaged one of them enough, that a win screen popped up, an 8-bit girl offered to give my ship a blow-job. I turned my ship around and fired at the "restart" block. Again, there were a few crosses that I shot at. And again, I finally damaged one enough to open something else. However this one opened something not 8-bit, or any bit.

It was a living room with a girl in pretty much in the same position as last time, but she looked much better. This girl had long brown hair over her naked body going over her smooth perfect tits and the rest of her tan body. I walk up to her and feel her tits, taking time with her softly pointing nipples with two percings a peice. She offers me a blow-job I move my hand down to her shaven crotch, I mention how I would like something else more. I put a finger in her and I almost melted. She was tight, very tight, the thought of my cock being in her made me want to melt. At that point, I would do anything to put my cock in her. She says that she's a virgin, I still want her. We make out a little bit and I wake up.

As soon as I wake up, I try to go back to sleep. I've been trying to practive lucid dreaming more, as soon as I wake up, I try to do WILD. Which is pretty much You lying so still and ignoring any awake checks from your body so it thinks your mind is asleep. Then you can open your eyes and start seeing shit. Takes a while though, like thirty minuets, and as a I've said before, my body gets so tired that it gets sore to keep sleeping.

Stuff like that has been happening to me a lot recently, I wake up from such a nice dream, I don't want to do anything else but go back to sleep. Maybe I have nothing better to do these days but dream the days away.

The Expectations I cannot live without and their exceptions

I have completely different expectations for my porn stars and my women.

Now, when I like to settle down for a little bit of 'Gentleman's Time', I generally go online to look at videos. Sometimes I'll go to places like /d/ and read a futa manga or something, but most of the time, I just go to redtube. I tend to have decently specific tastes when it comes to porn videos. Not like the girl has to be blond or Asian and the guy has to be generally my build, for the most part. The girl has to be shaved and not fat enough to rolls, I generally go for white girls mostly because black girls are weird and Asian girls are almost never shaved. My interest in guys are so specific that almost no one gets it right, just shut up and fuck the girl is all I say.

That's another thing, most porn videos start off ten minuets of them just talking. No offense, I like you being pieces of meat that get pounded. If I ever think I have a chance to date you I'll probably do all I can to find out more about you, otherwise, shut your trap before I put my cock in it. Then again, I don't really like blowjob scenes, which is the next ten minuets. So about ninety percent of the time, I just skip to the middle of the movie where she's already getting pounded. Hard. And moaning like she is. I don't really like dirty talk too much either. First off, I don't think that's very lady like. And yes I know she is having unprotected sex with someone she barely knows for cold hard cash, but I want her to keep some decency. And secondly almost no one does it right, most of it is "Oh god, I love your cock in my pussy!" Some times it even gets advance as "Oh god, I love your rock hard cock it my tight wet pussy!" Neither of which would get very far in the field of literary studies if written into a book. Good dirty talk could very well be written by Hemingway, or some other high class author that could write well and write porn.

Some other good things to shout during sex include "Yes/God yes/fuck me/harder/fuck me harder/Don't stop/*high pitched screams of pleasure*/*general moaning*." Also calling out names is good. The first time I've ever had a name called out during sex was when I was fingering a girl really intensely and she let the word "Light" slip from her mouth. For those who don't know, Light is the Americanized name of a character from the popular Manga/Anime series "Death Note". It's more his personality that makes him attractive. He's a serial killer. But a name was said that wasn't mine and I wasn't really sure how to react. Then again, I probably wouldn't know what to do if she said my name. Proven true by the first time a girl did shout out my name during sex. Part of me wanted to return the favor, part of me wanted to shout out "Oh, Jessica!", and part of me want to just keep doing what I was doing, like the last time a name was shouted out. And that was probably a good thing too, because I later found out wasn't Jessica. I think that would probably be an awquard moment to top them all. "Oh Wylv!" "Oh Jessica!" "Wait, who's Jessica?" "Aren't you Jessica?" "No!" "Then who the hell am I fucking?"

Lookie there, I've made a decently clean transition from porn to real life, now if only that could happen more often. The girls that I date tend to be not the girls that I would accept to star in porn I watch. They can be bigger girls, they can be hairy down there, they can have not such a nice complection. They can even have a bit of a mustache or sideburns and I wouldn't really care, mostly because dating an FTM has made me a lot more open to the possibility of reverse traps.

There's also a few more thing's I need in order to have a really good porn video. One is being a creampie. About 98% of all porn videos out there end with the guy pulling out and cumming onto the girls face. I don't like to do this in real life, so I don't like it in porn as well. I know that it feels probably ten times better to not have a condom on, but if it's a choice between using a condom, or pulling out, I'll get a condom because even though it feels ten times better to not have a condom on, it feels ten times better than that not to have to do something completely different at the end of it. I don't really think I could be a porn star just for that reason.

Lastly, it has to have color. I mean bold color. Bright blues or reds. I say this mostly because most porn look like they are shot in a hotel room with some off white lighting. By off white, I mean very much red or yellow. It looks like the white balance is off and is not a turn on at all. Hey, with all the videos out there, I can afford to be a little picky.

Merry July

There's too much fucking emotion in the world.

For pretty much this entire day, I've been looking at webcomics. Some of the more drama filled hotspots of the internet that I actually read. Teens and adults and wolves fight each other with words of not so much hate, but words that have the same feeling behind them. Kissing and death and weird action shots of volcanoes follow all these emotions. I feel for them. I feel for these two dementional characters that are made up by some guy trying to kill time. Deep sorrow can be felt when some guy types in that one betrayed/fucked/kissed/killed/made fun of someone they should not have. The best writers make you feel like you could know the characters yourself, no?

Then I went and chatted on Omegel for a while, kill some time. I got bounced over to a site called Six Billion Secrets. It's a new fad I'm seeing pop up around the internet. People being able to share real life stories anonymously about how good, bad, or hilarious their day, life, or situation is. Then hundred of thousands of other people just like them can read and sympathize on how much their life sucks, rocks, or would make a good sitcom.

The more I read these sites, the more I realize that most people are self-centered bastards that couldn't see an emotion in someone else if it fell on their head like a brick.

I'm starting to think that most people just want to be looked at. And most of the time, they have no reason for anyone to look at them. Most of the sceans out there, like goth, skater, hipster, don't really reflect what they are about. They're just filling up space in their empty lives. I think I've finally made a revelation. Instead of trying to look cool, actually be interesting. Have stuff going on in your life that people would like to join in on. In the time it took me to right this blog, I learned how to play "A Horse With No Name" by America. Not really anything worth praise, but a start. Maybe I can keep with it this time. Maybe I can become... Post-Hipster.

Scratch that, just looked it up. Practically means hipster. Maybe I can just be an interesting guy. Maybe not Dos Equis interesting, but it's something to aim for. Let's start off with a guitar and work my way up to sharks having a week dedicated to me.