I want to change myself. I know that there are things about me that I need to fix, I need to correct. I want to be a better person. I want to be a productive member of society. I want to earn my own way in the world and I want to live independent of others.
However, there are problems with this. Notable, the job market is made of shit sandwiches that have frosting provided by oil executives. But politics is not my problem. In fact, I'm petty sure I don't believe in democracy anymore, but that's another issue. As I said, my focus should not be on politics. My focus in life needs to be getting and keeping a job. Right now I almost have a job. I almost have an income. I would have all of those things if I had a boss. However, I have my cousin, who I'm pretty sure has ADD or ADHD or whatever they call it because he tends to not be able to focus worth shit. It probably has to do with the fact that he smokes a lot of pot. He also grows a lot of pot. That's kind of my job right now. Pot farmer. More official title would be farm hand. Would work because theres about thirty chickens that I help take care of everyday and I'm helping make a vegetable garden. I'm also making 12 bucks an hour to shovel around ten foot mounds of dirt for fututre pot plants. Point is that this isn't something that I can right down as a transfurable job skill to well. I need actual job experience that I can get actual jobs with.
Side note. I don't smoke pot. Or drink. Or do any amount of drugs that I've had plenty of contact with. I've never really seen the appeal in it. Although I am consideing taking up smoking just because.
I don't really know why I'm writing most of this. I want to say I can change. I want to get up on some high place and shout to the world, "See me now, remember me and remember my flaws. For next month, I shall come back to this place on high and thoes flaws will be here no more. By next months time, I shall have a steady income, and a place to call my own even if I'm just renting it. I'll have a steady relationship, and I'll surround myself with friends. I'll be won't be a recluse and I'll be happy and somewhat normal. Just you see."
But then I'm afraid I'll come back next month and what will be there is the same lonely, jobless boy that was once prowd. If I ever go back at all.
I'll see you in July.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Fucking Homicidal Maniacs
My body aches, there's a bruise on my chest and I wouldn't be surprise if I can't get hard for a week.
I've been reluctant to blog anything because my feeling have been really flipping around between hating the situation, to finding all the good parts about it. I fucked up. I've been told that there's other reasons for this break-up, but it got a kick start that way. I'm kinda ok with all that right now. Actually not really, I just don't want to write all that down right now.
But anyways, back to about two nights ago. My IM program came up with the text "I had a dream about you." At first I was confused as fuck because I thought it was a friend of mine named Alex and he doens't seem like the type to talk about his dreams. T finally IM'd me after a month and a half of no contact. Told me how much better his life was doing since he was able to focus on himself instead of a relationship. Which didn't really make me feel to good. We talked about our lives and how their doing. He offly mentioned that someone new was popping up. As in, new personalities coming in and trying to do what needs to be done. Of course, being the moldable little things that upcoming personalities are, this one took the name Johnny. Shortened to Nny. I'm not going to comment on that. But anyways, he's someone who's a little bit violent, and doesn't smoke, so he should be good for the system. At first he wasn't really into the sex thing, but a bit of personal time later, it turns out he's the systems new outlet for sexual energy. I can tell I'm going to like him.
So fast forward to about 6 P.M. yesterday, Johnny comes up in T's van and picks me up. We go to a local abandoned lake, or at least abandoned at this time of year. Johnny explains a bit more about himself, how he feels in this body, that he feels like a robot programed with functions to do or not do certain things, how he can see through the very much fakeness of his existence, unlike the other alters where they tried with all their might to have their own individuality. And how that in turn caused problems when they did things they wern't built for and tried to stay longer and that he's not to likely to do that.
In our conversation the night before, he mentioned how one of the things he is probably around for is "Carnal desires" A.k.a. Sexual needs. But in person, he was rather shy about anything to do with sex and the like. Kept saying things like that he wasn't capable of it. I just put my moves on him and he warmed right up. Also figured out that fun dip can be more fun with someone you like and without the powder. Could probably have fun with the powder, but we were having fun with just the stick. So a bit of makeouts later, we go back to my place and fuck for about two hours. One of the things he firsts finds out is that sex is fun. Really fucking fun. This is why my body hurts in various places right now. Then about an hour of snuggling mixed with looking at some funny pictures.
It was a neat little turn-around to watch. Someone going "Nah," to "BONING THINGS IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!" But there was another little turn around with his personality. At first he thought he wasn't going to stay around long. He didn't really see a reason that he should be here, or even exist. But there he was snuggling me under my arm saying, "I think I get those guys now, why they stayed around. They liked it here. I like it here."
I've been reluctant to blog anything because my feeling have been really flipping around between hating the situation, to finding all the good parts about it. I fucked up. I've been told that there's other reasons for this break-up, but it got a kick start that way. I'm kinda ok with all that right now. Actually not really, I just don't want to write all that down right now.
But anyways, back to about two nights ago. My IM program came up with the text "I had a dream about you." At first I was confused as fuck because I thought it was a friend of mine named Alex and he doens't seem like the type to talk about his dreams. T finally IM'd me after a month and a half of no contact. Told me how much better his life was doing since he was able to focus on himself instead of a relationship. Which didn't really make me feel to good. We talked about our lives and how their doing. He offly mentioned that someone new was popping up. As in, new personalities coming in and trying to do what needs to be done. Of course, being the moldable little things that upcoming personalities are, this one took the name Johnny. Shortened to Nny. I'm not going to comment on that. But anyways, he's someone who's a little bit violent, and doesn't smoke, so he should be good for the system. At first he wasn't really into the sex thing, but a bit of personal time later, it turns out he's the systems new outlet for sexual energy. I can tell I'm going to like him.
So fast forward to about 6 P.M. yesterday, Johnny comes up in T's van and picks me up. We go to a local abandoned lake, or at least abandoned at this time of year. Johnny explains a bit more about himself, how he feels in this body, that he feels like a robot programed with functions to do or not do certain things, how he can see through the very much fakeness of his existence, unlike the other alters where they tried with all their might to have their own individuality. And how that in turn caused problems when they did things they wern't built for and tried to stay longer and that he's not to likely to do that.
In our conversation the night before, he mentioned how one of the things he is probably around for is "Carnal desires" A.k.a. Sexual needs. But in person, he was rather shy about anything to do with sex and the like. Kept saying things like that he wasn't capable of it. I just put my moves on him and he warmed right up. Also figured out that fun dip can be more fun with someone you like and without the powder. Could probably have fun with the powder, but we were having fun with just the stick. So a bit of makeouts later, we go back to my place and fuck for about two hours. One of the things he firsts finds out is that sex is fun. Really fucking fun. This is why my body hurts in various places right now. Then about an hour of snuggling mixed with looking at some funny pictures.
It was a neat little turn-around to watch. Someone going "Nah," to "BONING THINGS IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!" But there was another little turn around with his personality. At first he thought he wasn't going to stay around long. He didn't really see a reason that he should be here, or even exist. But there he was snuggling me under my arm saying, "I think I get those guys now, why they stayed around. They liked it here. I like it here."
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Emergency Blog post: Vicious Camel Cycles
Ever feel stuck in a rut? Ever feel like you're doing this one situation over and over again even though its' totally preventable? Ever feel like you're just drifting in life? My life could be better right now.
I do this a lot and a fuck ton more than I should. One of the more easy ways to show this is that I procrastinate a lot. Putting things off constantly till the last second, and at that last second typically make one of two choices, either that it's too tough to finish in such a short time, or that I might be able to get it done and I have nothing better to do so I might as well do a hail mary. I don't watch football that often, I'm not sure if I'm using that term correctly. It's not really to procrastination part I'm talking about here though, it's the part where I keep doing it. It's the part of me that says, "Yea man, you still have time if you don't start right now. You totally have time to go through that MTG forum again."
Similarly, I need a job. While I have a simi-loving mother, I don't need a job too badly, I really ought to get one to be called a somewhat productive member of society. And there are a lot of days where I'm like "Yea! Jobs! Woooo! I'm totally going to go online soon and go find a job." Then I go home, warm up my laptop and directly procede to playing Captain Forever. Typically job searching sites tend to be a little less exciting that say, blowing up ships in outer space and looting their parts.
Then their's the part I really need to fix, the part that I really should fix, the part that I actually want to fix in myself compared to the first two. Not letting my dick get ahead of myself. As I might have said before, I do have myself a loving, cute, cuntboy-boyfriend. Cuntboyfriend? Doesn't have a good ring to it. But anyways, lately, his sex drive has been mostly defined as highs and lows between "You know what, I don't even want to bother with that aera down there," to "I'm going to get this nice hard rod attached to my crotch somehow, and you're going to bend over," to "I'm a decent city boy that stuck in the middle of nowhere, but while I'm here, I wanna have some fun." I could probably put most days on a chart that ranged from horny to libarian on the X axis and Male to sub on the Y axis. And there tends to be this cycle of days where for a week or two or three or a month or two or three, where most days tend to fall under one catagory. Months that tend to look like, "You're not going near my crotch unless it's to suck my dick," sometimes follow months that look like, "Good morning, I'm going to ride your dick."
And for the most part I can sense and try to follow these general feelings about his crotch. During the months where nothing is going on, I try to not bring anything up, and the months were something might happen, I typically bring something up. But then there's that inbetween time of where one month slowly turns into another. Where I think that nothing is going to happen and then the next morning he's there lying next to my messing with my dick. I always kind of feel like a deer in the headlight then. Except for a deer, I'm just me on the side of the road, and instead of headlight, it's just a car with the word "SEX!!!" written on it. I'm trying to figure out what that is and when I do, it's already way down the road and my boyfriend is asleep next to me. It makes sense if you're tired as fuck.
But then there's the other week, where month of sexy time slowly changes into month of "Let's do me a favor and pretend my crotch doesn't exist time." Time of where I think it's ok to do something, and it's not. I really think I've gotten better at this, but I do need some work. And it doesn't really help that sometimes I'm already horny as fuck before my somewhat logical part of gray matter says, "don't do that"(I like putting summaries of pages long situations into quotes, don't ask why). I should know that snuggling in the morning sometimes is just trying to snuggle, and that bending over does not give me free reign to hump. And after so many years, you'd think I'd learn that just because there isn't a "no", it doesn't mean "yes". And just like trying to find a job or trying to get an english paper done, I keep telling myself that I'm not going to let that happen, but I could tell you that my morning could have gone better.
*explanation of title* First, look at the time this got posted. Seven o'clock in the morning on a fucking Saturday, you know that's some fucked up shit. Vicious Cycles, it keeps happening, even thought it's not very nice. Camel, I was going to talk about how I try to be like a camel about sex, where I get all I need in a short little time while it's avaible, so I can survive the time where it's not. And that telling my body, "ok, time to stop drinking, time to not drink" can be sometimes difficult. Didn't really fit that in there. That and smoking is bad, m'kay kids.
I do this a lot and a fuck ton more than I should. One of the more easy ways to show this is that I procrastinate a lot. Putting things off constantly till the last second, and at that last second typically make one of two choices, either that it's too tough to finish in such a short time, or that I might be able to get it done and I have nothing better to do so I might as well do a hail mary. I don't watch football that often, I'm not sure if I'm using that term correctly. It's not really to procrastination part I'm talking about here though, it's the part where I keep doing it. It's the part of me that says, "Yea man, you still have time if you don't start right now. You totally have time to go through that MTG forum again."
Similarly, I need a job. While I have a simi-loving mother, I don't need a job too badly, I really ought to get one to be called a somewhat productive member of society. And there are a lot of days where I'm like "Yea! Jobs! Woooo! I'm totally going to go online soon and go find a job." Then I go home, warm up my laptop and directly procede to playing Captain Forever. Typically job searching sites tend to be a little less exciting that say, blowing up ships in outer space and looting their parts.
Then their's the part I really need to fix, the part that I really should fix, the part that I actually want to fix in myself compared to the first two. Not letting my dick get ahead of myself. As I might have said before, I do have myself a loving, cute, cuntboy-boyfriend. Cuntboyfriend? Doesn't have a good ring to it. But anyways, lately, his sex drive has been mostly defined as highs and lows between "You know what, I don't even want to bother with that aera down there," to "I'm going to get this nice hard rod attached to my crotch somehow, and you're going to bend over," to "I'm a decent city boy that stuck in the middle of nowhere, but while I'm here, I wanna have some fun." I could probably put most days on a chart that ranged from horny to libarian on the X axis and Male to sub on the Y axis. And there tends to be this cycle of days where for a week or two or three or a month or two or three, where most days tend to fall under one catagory. Months that tend to look like, "You're not going near my crotch unless it's to suck my dick," sometimes follow months that look like, "Good morning, I'm going to ride your dick."
And for the most part I can sense and try to follow these general feelings about his crotch. During the months where nothing is going on, I try to not bring anything up, and the months were something might happen, I typically bring something up. But then there's that inbetween time of where one month slowly turns into another. Where I think that nothing is going to happen and then the next morning he's there lying next to my messing with my dick. I always kind of feel like a deer in the headlight then. Except for a deer, I'm just me on the side of the road, and instead of headlight, it's just a car with the word "SEX!!!" written on it. I'm trying to figure out what that is and when I do, it's already way down the road and my boyfriend is asleep next to me. It makes sense if you're tired as fuck.
But then there's the other week, where month of sexy time slowly changes into month of "Let's do me a favor and pretend my crotch doesn't exist time." Time of where I think it's ok to do something, and it's not. I really think I've gotten better at this, but I do need some work. And it doesn't really help that sometimes I'm already horny as fuck before my somewhat logical part of gray matter says, "don't do that"(I like putting summaries of pages long situations into quotes, don't ask why). I should know that snuggling in the morning sometimes is just trying to snuggle, and that bending over does not give me free reign to hump. And after so many years, you'd think I'd learn that just because there isn't a "no", it doesn't mean "yes". And just like trying to find a job or trying to get an english paper done, I keep telling myself that I'm not going to let that happen, but I could tell you that my morning could have gone better.
*explanation of title* First, look at the time this got posted. Seven o'clock in the morning on a fucking Saturday, you know that's some fucked up shit. Vicious Cycles, it keeps happening, even thought it's not very nice. Camel, I was going to talk about how I try to be like a camel about sex, where I get all I need in a short little time while it's avaible, so I can survive the time where it's not. And that telling my body, "ok, time to stop drinking, time to not drink" can be sometimes difficult. Didn't really fit that in there. That and smoking is bad, m'kay kids.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Intresting weekend
Went to my bf's house. Everyone got a little drunk, even me which is weird. Played minecraft badly, got (as my BF put's it) "fresh" with everyone, held my boyfriends head as he puked. Had an hour long sex session. Got a little wound on my dick from fucking so long. Slept till noon, didn't really do anything more meaningful than a couple games of magic. Slept, woke up around 7-8 to comfort my bf who poked his eye. About three, we went to a prompt care and found out he scratched his cornea. Ouch. More comfort, including fucking, then home.
I want to expand a little bit. Especially the bit where everyone was drunk. Me and my bf are his room. He says he's not really feeling well. He says he's not really feeling alone in his head. If you don't remember, this was the guy with multiple personalitites. So not "feeling alone" is code for "I think one of the personalities that hasn't been around in like a year is about two feet away from raping your ass." About an hour or two later that pretty much happened. Was worried about it smelling like shit, which it did. So I went to take a shower, he used the same bathroom to puke. Watching him puke was one of the moments I could definatly say I wanted to be as far away from my boyfriend as possible.
Then we went back to his room and he cried. For the first twenty minuets, he cried because a year ago, he passed up a blowjob by some guy drunk enough that he wouldn't care what junk he was sucking. And yea, I would probably be bummed that I passed up a blowjob from a cute guy and/or girl, but the way he cried about it was just, and yes it was probably increased tenfold with the booze, and I really do hate using this word describing someone I care about so much, but the best to describe his reaction is pathatic.
Seeing anyone cry for half an hour doesn't really help a positive image about that person in your mind. That reasoning doesn't warrant that responce in my mind. But what he cried about next was more receptive of crying. He asked me weather or not I would be happy if Jack and Lex and the gang came back. I said I'd be ok with it. He cried that no one was ever happy about them, he wanted someone to be happy about them. The only responce I'd ever given is that I'd be ok with them.
Honestly, I'd be happy to see them, estacatic to hang out with them again after so long. Jack being this rude crude passionate fellow with almost no restrictions. And Lex, the man that strives for infinate chivalry, but in all the times I've seen him, he's infinatly failed making him infinatly awkward and cute. I would love to see thoes guys again, but then again something comes along with them. Instability. It's not really their fault, but I know that passing out becomes more common, memory of whole days doesn't always go into the record books, bouts of crying come out without any reasoning. I like them, I also like having a stable boyfriend, or at least somewhat stable. Which I might not have anyways, after crying about this, right before passing out on the bed. In fact I think he feinted and someone else caught the body before it fell. Someone was in there, looked me in the eye and said with a voice that isn't my boyfriends, "How do feel knowing you are one of the hundreds that's been lied to in the past seven months?" I think I've thought about that one sentence more than anything else this weekend.
...
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says OOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOooooOOOOO...
The second whale says "Frank, you're fucking drunk."
I want to expand a little bit. Especially the bit where everyone was drunk. Me and my bf are his room. He says he's not really feeling well. He says he's not really feeling alone in his head. If you don't remember, this was the guy with multiple personalitites. So not "feeling alone" is code for "I think one of the personalities that hasn't been around in like a year is about two feet away from raping your ass." About an hour or two later that pretty much happened. Was worried about it smelling like shit, which it did. So I went to take a shower, he used the same bathroom to puke. Watching him puke was one of the moments I could definatly say I wanted to be as far away from my boyfriend as possible.
Then we went back to his room and he cried. For the first twenty minuets, he cried because a year ago, he passed up a blowjob by some guy drunk enough that he wouldn't care what junk he was sucking. And yea, I would probably be bummed that I passed up a blowjob from a cute guy and/or girl, but the way he cried about it was just, and yes it was probably increased tenfold with the booze, and I really do hate using this word describing someone I care about so much, but the best to describe his reaction is pathatic.
Seeing anyone cry for half an hour doesn't really help a positive image about that person in your mind. That reasoning doesn't warrant that responce in my mind. But what he cried about next was more receptive of crying. He asked me weather or not I would be happy if Jack and Lex and the gang came back. I said I'd be ok with it. He cried that no one was ever happy about them, he wanted someone to be happy about them. The only responce I'd ever given is that I'd be ok with them.
Honestly, I'd be happy to see them, estacatic to hang out with them again after so long. Jack being this rude crude passionate fellow with almost no restrictions. And Lex, the man that strives for infinate chivalry, but in all the times I've seen him, he's infinatly failed making him infinatly awkward and cute. I would love to see thoes guys again, but then again something comes along with them. Instability. It's not really their fault, but I know that passing out becomes more common, memory of whole days doesn't always go into the record books, bouts of crying come out without any reasoning. I like them, I also like having a stable boyfriend, or at least somewhat stable. Which I might not have anyways, after crying about this, right before passing out on the bed. In fact I think he feinted and someone else caught the body before it fell. Someone was in there, looked me in the eye and said with a voice that isn't my boyfriends, "How do feel knowing you are one of the hundreds that's been lied to in the past seven months?" I think I've thought about that one sentence more than anything else this weekend.
...
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says OOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOooooOOOOO...
The second whale says "Frank, you're fucking drunk."
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I'm not dead.
I'm proud of that, mostly because I've used that site twelve times and that's the first time I've got an author back that I've heard of before.
Where have I been? That's a good question that I need to ask myself. My ex has turned into my boyfriend, I'm going on two semesters of college, and I have a new obsession.
My love life? For the past couple of months, it's been pretty good. We romance each other with Taco Bell. Spend hours snuggling. And we have a mix between sweet and sensual lovemaking sessions to bondage and half-rape fuckfests.
My college days are filled with phasing out then trying to remember what the teacher said. And Ultimate Frisbee. There's actually a really cute guy in my Bio and PE class that I'm pretty sure is gay, and I'm trying to make good friends with him. If he's not gay, I have no idea why he has a light blond dye job that he typically makes into a faux-hawk and has one of the bigger pair of rhinestone encrusted sunglasses I've seen. He's really cute.
One of my new hobbies is a game called Magic: the Gathering, I think I've talked about it on here before. But I've met a couple of new people at college that are really fucking into the game, so I got a lot more into it than I was. So now every tuesday I go to a party where we cube, or play with the best 500 cards out of the 10,000 that's ever been printed. It's some of the most fun I've had outside of bed.
That's life. Might blog here more, don't know.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A new leaf
I love someone so much that I would give them access to this very blog and have that person know me in real life.
I feel like I'm giving the URL link to my soul.
<3
I feel like I'm giving the URL link to my soul.
<3
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Patience can make mountains move.
God, has anything happened the past week? Has anything not happened in the past week? I hosted a party, nice big party with cake and everything I invited like a dozen people, who said they would all come, then only three showed up. Four more came in later, but I was still rather pissy about that. Need to punch babies. But hey, whatever, chilled out eventually.
At the end of the night, everyone grabbed a couch or a chair, and then proceeded to pass out. Save for me, which the only place left was a rather uncomfortable chair that only leaned halfway back. So what I did was go back to my room since it was my house, then pass out. I was woken by my ex who decided to come in like two hours before anyone else woke up and demand snuggles from tired old me. I grudgingly obliged. The he started rubbing his ass against my morning wood wanting some wake up anal. I grudgingly obliged. But when do you ever get to fuck someone for a birthday treat?
So fast forward through the pleasantries of going out into the world and enjoying the rest of the party. After everyone went home, it was just me and my ex alone. Sleeping together. Not like that, like sharing a bed to get a bit of the sleep we missed out on going to an overnight party. Then we got a wonderful idea to go and see Inception, he didn't like it because it was an inaccurate representation of dreams. But it wasn't really a date or anything, just a movie between two close, ass-fucking friends. With a romantic dinner afterward, at Taco Bell.
I don't really know if I want to get back together. I mean, if things keep going the way they are, that's probably going to end up how it's going to be. I think what I should do is move on with my sex life and find some other pretty young thing to fuck up the ass. Mostly because what use to go on between me and him was awesome 19-hour sex romps, and now his idea of sex is to come up to me and go "I'm horny" then we fuck, then he almost pukes at the idea of sex for a week and a half. Which I'm slowly learning.
Since right now, we're not anything more than fuck buddies, I really should be putting myself out there more, which will probably start with college. But the only real thing I have going with my life is him, which I will probably stay with. And if I want to stay with my ex and get, not necessarily the most sex, but the best sex, I will need to learn one basic skill.
Patience.
At the end of the night, everyone grabbed a couch or a chair, and then proceeded to pass out. Save for me, which the only place left was a rather uncomfortable chair that only leaned halfway back. So what I did was go back to my room since it was my house, then pass out. I was woken by my ex who decided to come in like two hours before anyone else woke up and demand snuggles from tired old me. I grudgingly obliged. The he started rubbing his ass against my morning wood wanting some wake up anal. I grudgingly obliged. But when do you ever get to fuck someone for a birthday treat?
So fast forward through the pleasantries of going out into the world and enjoying the rest of the party. After everyone went home, it was just me and my ex alone. Sleeping together. Not like that, like sharing a bed to get a bit of the sleep we missed out on going to an overnight party. Then we got a wonderful idea to go and see Inception, he didn't like it because it was an inaccurate representation of dreams. But it wasn't really a date or anything, just a movie between two close, ass-fucking friends. With a romantic dinner afterward, at Taco Bell.
I don't really know if I want to get back together. I mean, if things keep going the way they are, that's probably going to end up how it's going to be. I think what I should do is move on with my sex life and find some other pretty young thing to fuck up the ass. Mostly because what use to go on between me and him was awesome 19-hour sex romps, and now his idea of sex is to come up to me and go "I'm horny" then we fuck, then he almost pukes at the idea of sex for a week and a half. Which I'm slowly learning.
Since right now, we're not anything more than fuck buddies, I really should be putting myself out there more, which will probably start with college. But the only real thing I have going with my life is him, which I will probably stay with. And if I want to stay with my ex and get, not necessarily the most sex, but the best sex, I will need to learn one basic skill.
Patience.
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