This is an exercise in will power.

I want to change myself. I know that there are things about me that I need to fix, I need to correct. I want to be a better person. I want to be a productive member of society. I want to earn my own way in the world and I want to live independent of others.

However, there are problems with this. Notable, the job market is made of shit sandwiches that have frosting provided by oil executives. But politics is not my problem. In fact, I'm petty sure I don't believe in democracy anymore, but that's another issue. As I said, my focus should not be on politics. My focus in life needs to be getting and keeping a job. Right now I almost have a job. I almost have an income. I would have all of those things if I had a boss. However, I have my cousin, who I'm pretty sure has ADD or ADHD or whatever they call it because he tends to not be able to focus worth shit. It probably has to do with the fact that he smokes a lot of pot. He also grows a lot of pot. That's kind of my job right now. Pot farmer. More official title would be farm hand. Would work because theres about thirty chickens that I help take care of everyday and I'm helping make a vegetable garden. I'm also making 12 bucks an hour to shovel around ten foot mounds of dirt for fututre pot plants. Point is that this isn't something that I can right down as a transfurable job skill to well. I need actual job experience that I can get actual jobs with.

Side note. I don't smoke pot. Or drink. Or do any amount of drugs that I've had plenty of contact with. I've never really seen the appeal in it. Although I am consideing taking up smoking just because.

I don't really know why I'm writing most of this. I want to say I can change. I want to get up on some high place and shout to the world, "See me now, remember me and remember my flaws. For next month, I shall come back to this place on high and thoes flaws will be here no more. By next months time, I shall have a steady income, and a place to call my own even if I'm just renting it. I'll have a steady relationship, and I'll surround myself with friends. I'll be won't be a recluse and I'll be happy and somewhat normal. Just you see."

But then I'm afraid I'll come back next month and what will be there is the same lonely, jobless boy that was once prowd. If I ever go back at all.

I'll see you in July.