I want to change myself. I know that there are things about me that I need to fix, I need to correct. I want to be a better person. I want to be a productive member of society. I want to earn my own way in the world and I want to live independent of others.
However, there are problems with this. Notable, the job market is made of shit sandwiches that have frosting provided by oil executives. But politics is not my problem. In fact, I'm petty sure I don't believe in democracy anymore, but that's another issue. As I said, my focus should not be on politics. My focus in life needs to be getting and keeping a job. Right now I almost have a job. I almost have an income. I would have all of those things if I had a boss. However, I have my cousin, who I'm pretty sure has ADD or ADHD or whatever they call it because he tends to not be able to focus worth shit. It probably has to do with the fact that he smokes a lot of pot. He also grows a lot of pot. That's kind of my job right now. Pot farmer. More official title would be farm hand. Would work because theres about thirty chickens that I help take care of everyday and I'm helping make a vegetable garden. I'm also making 12 bucks an hour to shovel around ten foot mounds of dirt for fututre pot plants. Point is that this isn't something that I can right down as a transfurable job skill to well. I need actual job experience that I can get actual jobs with.
Side note. I don't smoke pot. Or drink. Or do any amount of drugs that I've had plenty of contact with. I've never really seen the appeal in it. Although I am consideing taking up smoking just because.
I don't really know why I'm writing most of this. I want to say I can change. I want to get up on some high place and shout to the world, "See me now, remember me and remember my flaws. For next month, I shall come back to this place on high and thoes flaws will be here no more. By next months time, I shall have a steady income, and a place to call my own even if I'm just renting it. I'll have a steady relationship, and I'll surround myself with friends. I'll be won't be a recluse and I'll be happy and somewhat normal. Just you see."
But then I'm afraid I'll come back next month and what will be there is the same lonely, jobless boy that was once prowd. If I ever go back at all.
I'll see you in July.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Fucking Homicidal Maniacs
My body aches, there's a bruise on my chest and I wouldn't be surprise if I can't get hard for a week.
I've been reluctant to blog anything because my feeling have been really flipping around between hating the situation, to finding all the good parts about it. I fucked up. I've been told that there's other reasons for this break-up, but it got a kick start that way. I'm kinda ok with all that right now. Actually not really, I just don't want to write all that down right now.
But anyways, back to about two nights ago. My IM program came up with the text "I had a dream about you." At first I was confused as fuck because I thought it was a friend of mine named Alex and he doens't seem like the type to talk about his dreams. T finally IM'd me after a month and a half of no contact. Told me how much better his life was doing since he was able to focus on himself instead of a relationship. Which didn't really make me feel to good. We talked about our lives and how their doing. He offly mentioned that someone new was popping up. As in, new personalities coming in and trying to do what needs to be done. Of course, being the moldable little things that upcoming personalities are, this one took the name Johnny. Shortened to Nny. I'm not going to comment on that. But anyways, he's someone who's a little bit violent, and doesn't smoke, so he should be good for the system. At first he wasn't really into the sex thing, but a bit of personal time later, it turns out he's the systems new outlet for sexual energy. I can tell I'm going to like him.
So fast forward to about 6 P.M. yesterday, Johnny comes up in T's van and picks me up. We go to a local abandoned lake, or at least abandoned at this time of year. Johnny explains a bit more about himself, how he feels in this body, that he feels like a robot programed with functions to do or not do certain things, how he can see through the very much fakeness of his existence, unlike the other alters where they tried with all their might to have their own individuality. And how that in turn caused problems when they did things they wern't built for and tried to stay longer and that he's not to likely to do that.
In our conversation the night before, he mentioned how one of the things he is probably around for is "Carnal desires" A.k.a. Sexual needs. But in person, he was rather shy about anything to do with sex and the like. Kept saying things like that he wasn't capable of it. I just put my moves on him and he warmed right up. Also figured out that fun dip can be more fun with someone you like and without the powder. Could probably have fun with the powder, but we were having fun with just the stick. So a bit of makeouts later, we go back to my place and fuck for about two hours. One of the things he firsts finds out is that sex is fun. Really fucking fun. This is why my body hurts in various places right now. Then about an hour of snuggling mixed with looking at some funny pictures.
It was a neat little turn-around to watch. Someone going "Nah," to "BONING THINGS IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!" But there was another little turn around with his personality. At first he thought he wasn't going to stay around long. He didn't really see a reason that he should be here, or even exist. But there he was snuggling me under my arm saying, "I think I get those guys now, why they stayed around. They liked it here. I like it here."
I've been reluctant to blog anything because my feeling have been really flipping around between hating the situation, to finding all the good parts about it. I fucked up. I've been told that there's other reasons for this break-up, but it got a kick start that way. I'm kinda ok with all that right now. Actually not really, I just don't want to write all that down right now.
But anyways, back to about two nights ago. My IM program came up with the text "I had a dream about you." At first I was confused as fuck because I thought it was a friend of mine named Alex and he doens't seem like the type to talk about his dreams. T finally IM'd me after a month and a half of no contact. Told me how much better his life was doing since he was able to focus on himself instead of a relationship. Which didn't really make me feel to good. We talked about our lives and how their doing. He offly mentioned that someone new was popping up. As in, new personalities coming in and trying to do what needs to be done. Of course, being the moldable little things that upcoming personalities are, this one took the name Johnny. Shortened to Nny. I'm not going to comment on that. But anyways, he's someone who's a little bit violent, and doesn't smoke, so he should be good for the system. At first he wasn't really into the sex thing, but a bit of personal time later, it turns out he's the systems new outlet for sexual energy. I can tell I'm going to like him.
So fast forward to about 6 P.M. yesterday, Johnny comes up in T's van and picks me up. We go to a local abandoned lake, or at least abandoned at this time of year. Johnny explains a bit more about himself, how he feels in this body, that he feels like a robot programed with functions to do or not do certain things, how he can see through the very much fakeness of his existence, unlike the other alters where they tried with all their might to have their own individuality. And how that in turn caused problems when they did things they wern't built for and tried to stay longer and that he's not to likely to do that.
In our conversation the night before, he mentioned how one of the things he is probably around for is "Carnal desires" A.k.a. Sexual needs. But in person, he was rather shy about anything to do with sex and the like. Kept saying things like that he wasn't capable of it. I just put my moves on him and he warmed right up. Also figured out that fun dip can be more fun with someone you like and without the powder. Could probably have fun with the powder, but we were having fun with just the stick. So a bit of makeouts later, we go back to my place and fuck for about two hours. One of the things he firsts finds out is that sex is fun. Really fucking fun. This is why my body hurts in various places right now. Then about an hour of snuggling mixed with looking at some funny pictures.
It was a neat little turn-around to watch. Someone going "Nah," to "BONING THINGS IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!" But there was another little turn around with his personality. At first he thought he wasn't going to stay around long. He didn't really see a reason that he should be here, or even exist. But there he was snuggling me under my arm saying, "I think I get those guys now, why they stayed around. They liked it here. I like it here."
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